Fences in June’s Backyard

June is a month of color; true and bright. To some, it screams of inclusivity and advances.

To a person like me, my skin shifts with unanswered questions; unpopular opinions that cannot be shared.

Thoughts and questions that when added together with the inability to gain clarity?

Sums of nasty labels and instant hate are left in their wake.

Hate in a month so robust! Vibrant like tropical flora and fauna plastered in nature books.

For 11 months, I sit with my queries.

Feel them gnaw away merrily. Under my flesh and burrowing into my subcutaneous fat.

The ripples of discontent and confusion flash across my brain like fireworks in my synapses. Ready and waiting for the next burst only to realize the display is over.

From July 1st to May 31st, my mind that adores sequins, brilliant colors, holographic rainbows, and glitter (so much GLITTER)… Thrives! It basks in the workrooms of drag. Purchases and supports friends of all orientations and gender identities.

All for 30 days to leave me unsure.

Those same unanswered questions and thoughts loop around on a wonky orbit; unstable and unreliable. More like a terrible, lemon of a car you have to trust for the biggest day of your life.

A fear to ask because of cancel culture.

A fear to inquire because the guards have been raised and lines drawn in the sand.

Terrified to tiptoe through the ‘could be gray’ area of being an ally with the innate fear of strolling through a landmine field of bureaucracy and binary standards.

Fear to comment on social media posts due to lack of emotional tones and cues decidedly lacking in the public forum.

Anxious when a social media turns on something you love because they no longer see their views. No longer agree with their recent comments and tears them away from all.

Reminiscent of ripping a picture filed with beautiful memories; the co-subject now seems vile like vomit left to sit in your mouth with no time limit.

Trepidation that when science can prove some changes may have unfair advantages, you are looked at as if you support Eugenics and Racial Profiling for craps and giggles.

I sit here, straddling the line with my feet dangling; my body swaying with no succinct rhythm.

Who can I approach to ask questions? The real question is “Who knows me?” Knows that I ask out of wanting to understand. No judgement. Knows me knows me; the anime loving, boy’s love reading/ writing, ball of kawaii fluff, enough to understand this bears no hate?

Not visiting from a place of erasure and soaked in hate like over done tea; strong and bitter. Just trying to wrap an overtaxed and overwhelmed millennial brain raised, no...

Instilled with old fashion raising around a new and kind of confusing concept.

Every June, my world of technicolor, dims, fades and is filtered through like I don extra deep tinted glasses.

My glitters no longer shimmer and twinkle, pulling me in to creative headspaces.

My kawaii Sanrio plushies can’t comfort my melancholy.

Lisa Frank and Betsey Johnson accessories draw my frowns like a dowdy prude hiding in bland earth tones away from the radiance of life.

What’s worse?

Belonging in the streets with my shiny, glittery boldness.

My gently growing confidence and well-established quirkiness?

Falling into flags and flying them with that excited pride!

All to feel like an imposter.

Feel like… if your thoughts were read, you would be called out.

Cast aside and put on blast for having conflicting opinions, though…

“Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and they all stink.”

Be viewed as some type of (insert your choice) of -phobic.

No one enjoys those lovely, uncomfortable conversations.

Race? Religion? Kinks? Sexuality? Gender Identity? Equality?

Where are the lines drawn truly?

Where are the forums of equal standing where facts can be gained, and understanding can flourish?

Where can these discussions take place?

TELL ME!

Please?

Where can I go that June no longer sucks me dry as if an energy Vampire waiting just for me?

So, I sit quietly, anticipating the approach of June.

Shyly viewing my friends in silence.

Terrified to ask via text where context is lost and only a screenshot from ruination.

Still unsure who won’t vilify me for curiosity.

Nervous to be myself.

Nervous to explain in my disenchantment of Wonderland’s wonderment.

Uncertain if I can wear my colors with pride.

So come along June!

With your banners, flags, and streamers.

Come with your lovely masses and glorious spectrums.

I stew in the indecisiveness of my own racing mind,

Saluting you as I always do, always will.

All I can do is purchase and support from a far and

Pray July 1st finds me with my colors restored and my heart lighter.