Feliz Nevermind

There’s no presents under the late put up tree

No one taking up the seats at the empty table

It’s going to just be another day, another struggle

Finding something to talk about together

Despite having nothing left to say … I am done

The arriving cards pretend I don’t exist

All I am now is ‘and family’ when no one else lives here

The ‘family’ calls and video chats … don’t mention her

You hung baubles with my deadname on the tree!

Not even tucked around the back … front and centre

For all to see when you have visitors, for I have none

There it is … his name … the name you prefer

It’s how you have and always will see me isn’t it?

You’ll never see me … never her, she, daughter …

Just the name you wish I still used, hanging on the tree

The child you wish was here … well I’m still here

So hang your wreath, shine the twinkling lights

Play your festive carols, spread your Christmas cheer

I won’t be here come the day of birth (that isn’t that day)

Don’t want to leave you alone, but you give no choice

I need to spend this time with family who see me

Have a holly, jolly time, and happy holidays! Hope it’s fun!

Merry Christmas and here’s to many more ...

With the family of the chosen kind

Because with a message in a bauble, you chose him

-

P.S.

I’m taking those baubles down

With the same respect you gave

As you hung them up!

None!