Fantage & Other MMORPGs: A Queer Awakening

Six months ago, during the height of Pride Month, I wrote about some of my favorite LGBTQIA+ creators where I naively referred to myself as a "cishet ally." Since then I've done a lot of self reflection and ultimately, a lot of healing from childhood trauma leading to me being able to admit, for the very first time in my 23 years of life, that I am not straight. To be honest, the signs were always there.

In kindergarten, I had a young female teacher who I took such a liking to that I gave her the ring I had found on the bathroom sink at my house, with hopes that she would wear it proudly (and was devastated when she instead called my parents to return it). I even pretended to be able to speak another language fluently so that I could impress her and spent several days trying to teach her this made up language. Even as a five year old, I recognized that the feelings I had for her were similar to the feelings I had for the cute, nice boy who sat next to me in class.

It wasn't until second grade that I first heard the word "gay" after sneakily watching the show Degrassi when my older sister wasn't paying attention. And then it was years later that I first heard the word "bisexual", which I think most accurately describes my sexuality. But whether or not I knew the technical terms, my queer disposition was always there. But growing up in a household where straight was the only option to be, I had to find different avenues to freely express myself. And being born in the tech age that I was, I opted to do so behind a computer screen.

I first discovered Fantage (a massively multiplayer online roleplaying game or MMORPG) when I was in the fourth or fifth grade. It was an online kids game where people could create and customize avatars, play mini games, chat with other users, and even date. Essentially, you could be anything or anyone you wanted on Fantage and I, like many others, took advantage of that fact.

On Fantage, I was no longer Chanté, a girl who was fighting against being labeled a lesbian because she liked wearing boy clothes and playing sports and happened to have had a small crush on her female kindergarten teacher. Instead, I was Jesse779: a suave boy who liked skateboarding, basketball, ironically- the Jonas Brothers, and girls.

I convinced myself that making my avatar a boy was simply based on the fact that as a tomboy, I preferred the clothing options of the boy avatars rather than the girl avatars. But I quickly started collecting girl "prom dates" (or as they were later abbreviated as: "PDs"), which were the Fantage equivalent of girlfriends.

Fantage wasn't a lone experience however. I joined other MMORPGs like Club Penguin, Planet Cazmo, and as I got older, IMVU, all of which I played as male avatars who always pursued female avatars.

After going on a nostalgia driven YouTube search for Fantage content, I've come to realize that I am not alone in my experience. Many other queer people also used Fantage and games like it to safely and comfortably express their sexuality and/or gender identity. And although the anonymity of the internet can often give people the cover to be something they're not, sometimes it gives people the protection to be something that they are.

In the real world, up until just a little while ago I was still strictly dating guys and still suppressing any signs of queerness except when I would get drunk and start ranting about how I would gladly take Megan Thee Stallion's last name if we were to get married. But being the real me, in my bisexual glory, requires first being real with myself.

Although my name, gender, and the way I looked were completely different on Fantage, in many ways Jesse779 was more authentically me than I could ever be in the real world at that time. Jesse was me at my most confident and carefree. And Jesse taught me that I can be that as Chanté as well.

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Thanks for reading!

-Chanté