Adventures of a late in life lesbian

Since coming out to my husband and dealing with the turbine of emotions on both our parts, we've settled into some new kind of marriage. One that says, "For now and hopefully forever" but also, "It's ok to make it look however we need it to." That has been a freeing and terrifying reframing. Freeing because there is a security we have created for one another- a sort of undying commitment that doesn't feel like bondage or obligatory loyalty. But terrifying because a door has been unlocked. Until last year, I didn't even notice the door. Now, I've been handed the keys and whatever is on the other side is calling to me.

Should I open it? Should I discover what sometimes keeps me up at night thinking about? What if I do open it and the security we've created ends up becoming nothing more than an idealistic naivety that begins the ugly end of a beautiful story? But...

What if I open it and I'm awakened? Or what if... I can finally sleep at night because the answer feels like completion for my body and soul?

I'm honestly not sure what I want to do. I mean... I know what I want to do but I'm not sure if what I want is what I actually want to my core or if it's just a momentary desire to curb some curiosity. If I'm honest and allow myself to imagine what I would do if I wasn't me... Well, I'd get dressed up. I'd go to a lesbian bar. Meet someone I clicked with. Drink. Laugh. Sneak off to the bathroom, lock the door. Kiss. Find a stall and let them go down on me. I'd give in to a passionate moment. I'd allow myself to feel and touch and be.

I'm not there yet. I don't know if I'll ever be there. Instead, I watch porn and love myself. I allow myself to reject any shame that says it's wrong and I sometimes invite my partner in to experience that type of passion with me.

While the freedom to explore what "gets me going" is refreshing and exiting, I often question if it will be enough to keep me home at night.

If you know me, you know I'm not the dress up type. I'm not the go out late and socialize type. I'm the wool socks and sweatshirt type. I'm the anxious introverted type that has a vidid imagination.

But again... If I'm being honest with myself, I hold back on pursuing this fantasy because I don't want to hurt my partner. I don't want to accidentally jeopardize my companionship. Can I really trust that we have something unbreakable? Can I trust that we really can make our marriage look how we want it to? I want to. But I'm uncertain. I'm also unwilling at this point to make a move in that direction unless I'm really sure I want it.

Does anyone else out there share a similar experience? Can anyone else impart some nugget of wisdom or advice or encouragement that I can ascribe my personal situation to?

Here's the thing... I've never been a super sexual person. Yes, I've had phases of time when my libido was higher or my hormones were raging. But most of the time, I can take or leave it with more of an emphasis on "leave it". That's not an assessment on how good an orgasm I've had or how enjoyable sex is for me. It's just that... most of the time, I don't need it or even really want it.

But... when I do, I desire for a certain kind of experience. Part of me wonders if I owe it to myself to make that desire a reality.

The other part of lies awake at night wondering what the right choice is. If there is a choice. How to make it without hurting the ones I love the most. How to make myself one of those people.

So I guess I end this here. With no answer or direction but I longing to know who else out there is like me and a quiet inching forward toward that unlocked door.