About a Girl

I have never kissed a girl.

I want to, of course, but I've never really kissed anyone. At least not anyone that makes it feel like I think it should.

It feels like the longer I wait, the more impossible it seems; the more terrifying it gets.

The realization that I might be gay or bi, or something came a little late for me.

I had liked boys, of course, I always had one on hand for a crush if I needed one. But it becomes confusing when the only thing you know is how to like a boy.

And then something happened, and the pieces began to fall.

I was a camp counselor; a summer job I didn't really want but happened upon. It was far away, I would be gone for the entire summer. Away from my friends, my family, my life, and my current back-pocket crush.

Colton, he was sweet and tall, and very cute. The kinda guy most girls like, and he read books. I know, hot.

So really only the quiet girls liked him. And because I was the loudest of the quiet girls, I had the best shot.

Apparently, Colton has a thing for not too quiet, quiet girls. At the last party I went to, he was there. And he was with me the whole night. He touched my elbow, my back; it was exciting, it was new, and he was a boy.

And we kissed.

Alot.

And it felt good, it felt exciting. Then I started thinking, and the kiss kept going.

And I wondered if I was supposed to be thinking or if I was doing it wrong.

When I left, a day or two later, Colton pressed a piece of paper in my hand.

"I'll see you when you get back."

***

I thought about it the entire trip there, everything I'll be missing this summer. That kiss, and everything I felt and didn't feel.

And then we pulled in.

And the first person I saw was her.

It wasn't breathtaking, I didn't fall like in the movies.

But she was beautiful.

And she was walking towards me.

"Hi!"

I waved back weakly.

"Hi."

"Is it Mary?"

"Yes."

"Great! My name's May" She extended her hand, and we shook. Butterflies, weird.

"Let's head over to orientation, I think we're the last ones."

***

That was the first time I met her. In orientation, she stood right next to me. I couldn't stop staring at her, her long red hair, her blue eyes, and her smile...

It didn't feel life-changing or like an epiphany when I saw her, but it felt different. I thought guys looked good, but not like this.

It started very slow, like in poems, like in books. It was honey, it was molasses, messy and sweet, and I didn't know it was happening until the end.

When you grow up straight, it's hard to start to see anything else for yourself.

I watched the Disney movies, the princess gets the prince; in every single novel the girl ends up with the cute guy. All the people in my life were happy with their opposite-sex partner, all the stories I read, all the shows and movies I watched, every person I knew. Every single time they were happy being straight.

How could I even imagine anything else for myself? I can't even imagine what that life would look like, how I could be happy in something other than what I have seen my entire life.

And May... she didn't change that, not right away. How could she, fighting against all that?

But she made it easier, more possible to imagine something other than all the things I had thought were unchangeable.

She made everything easy.