A Re-introduction

Hello, one and all. As rapper LL Cool J coined the phrase: "don't call it a comeback; I've been here for years."

For years, this gay, scary-looking bear was blogging regularly on this platform. His passion and forte was writing about movies and compiling music lists. It was fun, a great time-passer and one would hope, a gateway to a great, lucrative career in fiction and film writing.

It wasn't. Just a great time-passer - that is all.

The truth is, I had to stop it. As much as I reveled in making these lists and reviewing movies, there was a much darker undercurrent I was dealing with. Several, in fact.

I was poor. I was gay. I suffer from mental illness. I was rejected. I was shunned and shunted. I was (and to a small degree am still) lonely. What gave me joy, wasn't giving me any fulfillment at all. So, I stopped. In the midst of our 2020 Coronavirus pandemic - what went from bad, went steadily and without a break; to worse. I faced suicidal ideation. I faced still more poverty. There's was a frightening event that almost rendered me mentally incapacitated. Even, following the subsequent COVID-19 vaccination dole out, not much has improved. So, I have returned to blogging. But, we are hoping with a deeper purpose this time out.

The most important question to answer for me is the biggest one: who am I?

Who am I? What's unique about me? That is indeed the very first question I often ask and wonder if anyone else is asking as well. Who the hell is this middle-aged, surly looking person writing to catch and capture my attention and why should I even give a damn about him?

At the outset, I'm obviously not a celebrity nor a spokesperson for the latest product. Not a singer or a movie star; a pop culture influencer. A social media or YouTube sensation. Nor a wannabe or someone desperate for someone to attend his pity party. In the grand scheme of things, I am indeed, a nobody.

Now, when I say I'm a "nobody"; I don't mean that in a literal sense. I don't view myself as a nobody. As life stories go, yes, I am as non-descript as most people who've entered this world and have tried like mad hell to try to become somebody in this lifetime, but was never given the proper tools or support to get there. I never came from wealth; in fact, far from it. I faced challenges that have affected me since birth and perhaps will until my death. But, this is not my viewpoint. I am somebody - just not somebody you'd know. So, yes, in the grand scheme of things, yes, I am a nobody.

If there's one thing you should know about me before we begin; is that I love movies. Love them. Since the days of talkies, I think watching stories visually was one of the greatest inventions since sliced bread. Since, my youth; probably around the age of four, I remember my mother taking me or just having to take me to see the Sylvester Stallone film, "Rocky" which won the Academy Award for Best Picture over "Network" in 1976. Watching that big fight scene at the end and have Sly scream out the name of his dearly beloved girlfriend, Adrian, played by Talia Shire:

"Adddrrriaaaan! Yo, Addrrriaaan"

I guess from that point on, I was hooked. Movies are often just cameras into our dreams and our hopes and even into the beyond. I am also a music aficionado. As it stands today, today's 2021 music can not now and not ever hold a candle to the music of the 20th century. The last official good decade for music was the 1980s, although one could argue, powder puff acts like Paula Abdul, Milli Vanilli, Bobby Brown and New Kids on the Block may have spelt the decade's doom toward the bitter end.

To reiterate, I am a somebody, who's a nobody who wants to share his story with you. Why? Is it to become a celebrity? Nope. Far from it. I laugh and balk at the very notion - even if I can make a decent living off it; but that's far from my goal. I am actually comfortable with anonymity and am hoping that anyone who reads this blog will indeed extrapolate something authentic from my story as it aims for those who are marginalized in some manner or another. People who struggle with realizing their thoughts and dreams, but who should know that that is the fire that keeps all of us alive and breathing. That keeps our hearts beating and will point in fact, keep us alive in that time when it may be ebbing away from us. It is also to alert anyone struggling, downtrodden and mistreated, that there's always hope. Never lose it. It encapsulates the word, dream.

Dreams. They are the cornerstone of our very existence. We all want to have that piece of the pie. The kind of life where you wake up in the morning and find that you're doing what you love and getting paid to do so. The day you wake up with someone next to you who is just thrilled to have you in his life and never let's you forget it (at present, I'm very single and may stay that way until I *ahem* reach my 80's). The day you find that you have friends who want to include you in every upcoming activity and event in their life: dinners, dates, game night, parties or, and so out of left field is this one - the very illicit private party that promises to be disease-free. [hint hint]

So, what's there to know about me? I mean, there isn't a whole lot of anything that makes me stand out. I am a near middle-aged gay man who writes, sings, dreams, seethes righteous rage and wants to get the most our of this life - who may wear his heart on his sleeve and even have his (metaphorical) balls hanging out for the world to see, and can often be taken advantage for that.

But, this is me and this is my story and I will begin with this interesting euphemism: "I am that guy". That euphemism has always followed me around since my youth. I was always that guy. The guy who got picked last. The guy who couldn't get arrested naked even if he tried. The guy who could stand by watching the world pass him and he still couldn't anyone to get to notice him. For example: When I attempted to join a gay men's chorus here in Hartford, Connecticut where I currently reside, and through a site/app called, Chorus Connection, I put that phrase onto my profile: "Yes folks, I am that guy." I left shortly due to some personal conflicts, but I go away believing that I am poised for bigger and better things anyway and wish them all the best either way.

So, yes, reiterating again, I is, was and will always be that guy. Here is the new list of what kind of guy I am:

I am that guy who...who as a child, was naïve and stupid, who took everything at face value even when it was warned that that would cause me harm in the long run.

I am that guy who...got teased incessantly in his youth, even adulthood, and who was told was "ugly" and "wouldn't amount to anything", called an "animal", "worthless", "a dog", "no personality", "a fucking faggot", "not worthy of anything good in this life, unless it's through Jesus", "needs salvation and scripture"...you get the picture.

I am that guy who...loves art, music, culture, beauty, grace, talent and wants to spread the world with some happiness and joy, despite having a face that needless to say is better suited for radio and print.

I am that guy who...struggled for years with a religion (which is point in fact, actually a cult) that debased him, traumatized him, made him feel worthless and low and even made him contemplate suicide many a time.

I am also that guy who...came from a family that felt that abuse, rejection, neglect and just outright judgement and browbeating were absolute tools for one's betterment.

I am that guy who...as mentioned loves music and is disappointed that his two favorite genres: disco and heavy metal are pretty dead and gone and relegated to mainly "flashback" or "throwback" mode in this day and age.

I am that guy who...grew into writing since 2002 and has always dreamed of writing the perfect movie, play, TV series, and yes, even novel, He has written everything in all its formats thus far...but, still hasn't made it. He had dreams of becoming the next Steven Spielberg, but now, does comics of a very adult and salacious nature. If in the future, you ever do buy his now-being-drafted graphic novel; hugs and kisses.

I am that guy who...cries easily over anything. Movies, emotional stories, songs (love songs)...even YouTube and Instagram cat videos. A fact, do with it as you wish.

I am that guy who...made a startling discovery about the LGBTQIA community in that, like all factions of the human experience, has its fair share of foibles and some issues and has even faced his fair share of rejection. But, that I still feel that life is still for learning and that hopefully one day, he can stand out in said community as an advocate.

I am that guy who...has struggled with homelessness and still deals with serious mental illness - and yes, still dreads that very day of being booted to the street to this very day, or that he could be overwhelmed and not want to ride out his tempestuous storms.

I am that guy who...still believes; not has faith in, but, believes that all things in this life are attainable: joy, financial prosperity, good health and yes, (although I am vastly cynical in this particular subject), true love.

In conclusion, I still am that guy who...has been through the ringer and back, and is still alive tell about it.

And still intends to keep being so.

"I just want to go the distance." - Sylvester Stallone as Rocky Balboa.