A Random Google Search Helped Me Discover Who I Am

Have you ever been metaphorically hit in the face in a moment you least expect it? Sure you have. Who hasn't right? Did it hurt or did it somehow drive you to some kind of a breakthrough moment?

One night a few months ago, I was doing some internet research about ethical non-monogamy and non-traditional relationships for a book project I'm currently working on.

So here I was, Googling away while chilling on my bed, pretty much as usual. To be honest, I don't even remember exactly what is the exact article that brought me to discover my true nature, I just remember at some point reading the words "gender fluid".

From there, my whole reality shifted 180 degrees.

I looked at my screen in bewilderment. These two words were calling me in a way that I had never experienced before. I diverted from the original purpose of my Googling and entered "gender fluid" in the search bar. I fell on an article on an LGBTQA+ website explaining common terminology. As soon as I read the definition they gave, I thought to myself "Oh my god, this is me! This is how I felt my entire life!"

I grew up in a pretty conservative family. Born AFAB, I never quite accepted the whole package deal of being a woman. From a very early age, it felt off. I remember wishing to become a boy as a child. From the moment I learned it was possible to "get an operation to change sex", I started fantasizing about becoming a boy. From the age of 8 to 16, I put every penny of my allowance into a piggy bank, hoping that one day, I could have a "sex change" (I'm putting these words in quotes because I know it's a simplistic way of describing the process trans people go through, but that's how I thought about it in my teenage mind).

But when I really thought about it, being a boy didn't quite resonate with me perfectly either. When I became sexually active, I wondered how it would be like to make love as a man. I asked myself "Would I be gay or would I want to be with women?" I was confused about my sexual orientation. I knew I was primarily attracted to people from the male sex but I was also at times attracted to some of my female friends also.

Sexuality became something massively confusing and my identity kept changing in ways that even I couldn't follow at times. In college, I was seen as "the girl who doesn't know who she is" because my style would drastically change from one week, sometimes one day, to the next. It felt like everyone was asking me to pick one thing — to choose one identity and call it "I" — but I just couldn't seem to make up my mind.

As a young adult, I figured that if I had issues with my gender, which everyone told me was female, it must be because something is wrong with me. It must be because I have a problem with men and a problem with seeing myself as a woman. My relationships were a disaster because I kept trying to put myself in a box and answer expectations I somehow wasn't managing to live up to.

I tried to play the role of "being a woman". Sometimes, that role felt good and I could go along with it happily but other times, my personality would switch to something much more masculine, which made my partner uncomfortable and in turn made me feel inappropriate. Other times, I couldn't pinpoint exactly which gender I felt I belonged to. Sometimes, I'd identify as androgynous and this would massively affect my sexual desires. In these stages, I thought of living a life without any sexual intercourse at all, because I just wasn't able to deal with the polarization sex implied.

All the way up until not so long ago, I thought I had a problem. I thought I was crazy because I didn't know there was such a thing as being gender fluid. I didn't know other people felt the same way I did. I was badly educated and had no clue of the difference between your sex and your gender. Didn't know that gender is a social construct that can be flexible and adapted to a variety of people feeling gender on a much wider spectrum than only male and female.

Possibly, this is the single most important thing that should be taught in sex education classes at school. I don't know how it is now but when I was in school, there was no such thing as educating us on gender and the difference between sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression. We were only told in a very old-fashioned way how babies are made and drilled into remembering to always use a condom. I mean yes, of course, these things are important. But helping young people figure themselves out beyond preparing them to join the workforce is goddamn important too.

When I was in my early 30s, I self-diagnosed myself with what I called a "fragmented personality". I felt there were many different people living inside my body, some were female, some were male, and some were something else. It almost felt like having multiple personality disorder but very different in the sense that I didn't have any memory blanks and the changes between one personality to the next were not as drastic. "Fragmented personality" was the closest term I could come up with that described what I felt.

As a form of personal therapy, I asked a friend of mine who is an amateur photographer to collaborate with me on a photoshoot. I wanted to personify some of these personalities I felt were living inside my body. It helped a bit. We shot three personalities, one male, one female, and one other.

Now that I discovered what it means to be gender fluid, I don't feel fragmented anymore. I don't feel there are many people living inside me, I see myself as one being with a wider gender spectrum. These two words, along with the community of people who take the time to talk about these things and have the courage to come forth on who they are, healed me.

I'm proud of who I am now. I don't believe I'm crazy or inappropriate anymore. I can feel ok with the fact that the "she/her" pronouns don't resonate completely with me. Transitioning to "they/them" has been a massive relief. I feel it tells more of the real picture of who I am. And exposing these pronouns means I'm allowing my real self to be seen.

It's a work in progress but every step is a step towards acceptance and healing.