As a young adult, I was dating a boy for about two years in high school. We both made a promise to each other to refrain from pot and sex until we were eighteen and prepared. One night I went to bring him some food at work where he was closing until eleven, and at 6 PM he was gone... I didn’t hear from him for two more days, as his mom and I frantically searched for answers. He had smoked weed with friends breaking our promise and passed out for a whole day.
I decided to break our promise too since it was already broken, and smoked with friends at a party a few days later.
This didn’t necessarily start an addiction, but it opened the door.
As a girl, guys aren’t too keen on teaching girls about weed, as they often sell if they smoke on the daily and don’t seem to want you to know too much about the quality or value. They also refuse to allow me to learn to roll or load a bowl, like it’s such a fleeting resource.
Eventually I learned all these things and much more. I began buying my own instead of relying on when a boyfriend or a male friend at a party had some and started smoking every day.
I had just cut my dad out of my life, and was working twelve hours a day maximum, so I allowed weed to numb my emotions or physical pain from standing all day, and let it foster my creativity.
At first I hid it, even though my sister is a stoner as well, because I was still living with my parents and I respected their opinion and home. I’d smoke in my car at a lookout down the street and then come home and work in my home office. It allowed me to relax and rest, recharge, and reset so I could continue working after working all day. It pushed all my emotions to the side and opened up the magic of my mind, as I work as a creative.
Eventually I was smoking up to four times a day, in the morning, at lunch some times if it were a really bad day, when I got home and again before bed.
It was bonding with my sister as she doesn’t do much else, it was bonding with the smoker community as that’s an easy way to find common ground with strangers and make new smoke friends, and it was an easy way to spend time with myself. I liked the way I thought when I was high, and the things I thought of, even in conversation.
It wasn’t until about a year and a half later I started realizing I was smoking so much I could barely even feel the effects of it anymore and would over smoke. I began even starting to feel depressed, worthless, hopeless. It wasn’t helping me like it did at first anymore, and I wasn’t healing from my wounds, just putting a smiley face bandaid over them.
I started smoking less because eventually it was just a bad taste in my mouth and a reason to procrastinate my obligations. I hated myself and the way I was looking. I hated how it didn’t help anymore and now I had all this baggage to carry instead of mask.
After I finished my certifications for my career, I came back home and had to start applying for jobs and cut myself off to clear tests.
For weeks after, maybe a month and a few weeks, I felt so depressed I didn’t even want to move. I wanted to lay in bed and cry all day. I picked random and insensible fights with my boyfriend every day, and cried two or three times a day. I felt so awful and horrible. I didn’t take care of myself, I didn’t take care of my obligations, I didn’t want to do anything. I couldn’t smile all I felt was pain and pondered the reason for my existence. The place I got to was darker than caves, and it felt like it would never end. I had weird ass dreams that were vivid and terrifying, I barely slept or ate.
I realized after a while that my mindset was up to me, and with the support of a few friends and family members, I started to lift my chin.
I began working out again, making an effort to increase my daily self and home maintenance, and learned to self soothe again by walking during moments I felt upset at someone instead of reacting instantly.
Now, I feel better than I ever have. I have clarity, drive, humor, dedication, adoration, and enjoyment by my side. I’ve learned to love who I am again and what I love. I’ve learned what calms me instead of smoking, and feel myself again.
If you are thinking about quitting, let me tell you it is worth it for so many reasons.
First of all, the amount I spent on weed was absurd, and now I can put it in savings and get out of my parents house.
My body, soul, and mind feels nourished and loved because I contemplate how to heal and help it on the daily, instead of hiding all my emotions from everyone and myself.
I eat normally again, when before I starved myself until I had the chance to smoke, workout harder than what’s healthy, then would binge one meal at night and pass out. I can actually pay attention now to how food makes me feel and put my best foot forward every day instead of smoking and hoping that smooths everything over and that no one can smell the stench.
I actually enjoy doing things again instead of smoking and watching Netflix or listening to music every damn day. That was one of the most difficult parts, getting to know what I enjoy doing again. It took a few weeks, but I have slowly started learning.
The actual hardest factor for me was starting to care about my appearance again, because when I smoked I would wake up, get dressed and shower, then smoke. I barely ever looked in a mirror, and when I did I felt like a goddess.
At first I ate at myself after quitting, and then I started working out (which was ultimately what saved me mentally), combing my hair and washing my face, brushing my teeth multiple times a day, and I began loving what I was seeing again. I’ve always been a confident person so this moment of self hatred was so difficult.
Be gentle with yourself while quitting, let yourself feel every emotion but do not let yourself spiral, as these brief moments of deep pain and dissatisfaction pass just like any other emotions, and force yourself to keep going on.
Make exercise a priority, as sitting in your dark room watching tv will only make you feel worse about your state and be mad at yourself. Even if you do not exercise, take a stroll around the neighborhood in the sun, or in the evening as the sun is setting and be appreciative of the beauty around you.
Write a gratitude journal to begin remembering what makes you tick and appreciating what you already have.
Set a few small daily goals you can easily achieve like making your bed or making breakfast to start your day off with accomplishment and feel proud about at least one thing if any. It helps push you along into a brighter mindset and begin your day.
When you feel the urge to smoke, find something that relaxes you, gets you away from the temptation, or gets you active. I like to workout when I’m really mad, and take a bath with some incense when I need to relax.
It’s going to be so damn hard at first, and now I still have temptation to smoke, especially when I’m bored or have had a really bad day. If you’ve chosen to quit, you have your own reason, so let that be your drive. I still am job hunting so I still have a reason to refrain, but at this point I don’t want to smoke on a daily basis ever again. I don’t want to go through the process of healing again as it was painful and felt so long, but socially I may take a hit or two in the future.
I’ve come to enjoy how my mind is sober, so now I don’t even drink. At first, you may have the urge to drink to compensate for being in your own mind and feeling so uncomfortable. I drank for a week or two every few nights and it didn’t help much, as the next day I’m hungover, lazier than ever, and in even more mental pain than the night before when I sought to drink. I advise trying to refrain from drinking in excess, but there’s nothing wrong with a beer or two. What you want to avoid it the idea that you need to replace the feeling of being high and not allow your sober mind to live.
Learn to do something by yourself once a week to figure out who you are again.
Going cold turkey isn’t for everyone, but if you are going to quit you need to have the self control to. If you slowly ween yourself off, you’ll get into a mindset that you still can, just not as much, and that mindset has a lot of room for abuse and excuses, as you haven’t set strict boundaries. It’s going to be hard no matter how you quit, I promise.
People say weed isn’t addictive, and for some people it isn’t, but everyone is different.
You may not experience any issues quitting, and it was like you never smoked, or it may take weeks to months for you to feel normal again.
Someone that helped me was Marz Lovejoy. She started the hashtag #weedfreeyo and will message you back with a message of her beautiful voice with supportive information and insight. She’s awesome and helped me understand the process of quitting.
Comment below your experience so anyone else quitting doesn’t feel alone!
As always, thank you for reading :)