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My First Solo Trip

I am not alone

By Evan O’DonnellPublished 3 years ago 5 min read
3
My First Solo Trip
Photo by Joel Filipe on Unsplash

A preface into what you're about to read. These are the unfiltered thoughts/notes of December 6th, 2020 when I did my first solo psychedelic trip. I've only edited them for grammar and spelling other than that this is what I was thinking and experiencing.

This was honestly a life-changing experience and notes do not do justice to everything I saw and felt. I am so glad I decided to take notes and if you're thinking of tripping I highly suggest taking notes of your own. However, I wish to keep further elaborations to myself because it all feels very personal.

Trip 12/6/2020

I just finished a meditation in preparation for my first ever solo shroom trip! I was quite nervous before and I still am a bit but mostly I’m excited. I’ve been looking forward to this since I first tried shrooms with Denise. My intentions are to relax, to watch Star Trek, to listen to music, and play with my new color-changing light. I am super excited.

I’ve started drinking my tea. Colors are starting to seem...more interesting. It’s hard to tell if it’s just in my head or if I’m already feeling the effects a little. I have the sense that I’m going to be very emotional today. Not in a bad way. I can sense many good emotions forming in my chest.

I’ve decided to watch Star Trek while I drink my tea.

Instead of watching Star Trek, I am now talking to my color changing light, Shawn, to see what colors respond to which words/tones.

Still watching Star Trek. I’m starting to see spots around my vision. I’m about halfway through the tea. I’m feeling quite nauseous. I also had to turn my light off for now and smoking a little weed.

I’ve drunk all the tea I am definitely tripping. All I’ve wanted to do is to be on the floor. I feel delighted. Everything appears in wavy lines and out of phase with the next thing. This is the perfect episode of Star Trek for this season 5 ep 26. I will not attempt to explain now as I’m trying to enjoy my time feeling off.

I’m still watching Star Trek. Playing with my light. I’m so aware of my own needs. This is just the perfect episode of Star Trek. It perfectly plays with time and history. Just way gene Rosenberry would want.

I feel so much. So small. So big. I’m sure to anyone else I look Crazy. I feel joyful. Everything makes sense. Everything is as it should be

I need water I need to charge my computer. I think that requires I move and I know that makes sense. I know it would make sense to anyone. If I need to move. Why don’t I? Why do I put my self-thought none movement all the time.

This is the PEAK storytelling in Star Trek. I miss a time when I would see life as a movie.

I love my self I know exactly what I want

I seem to be coming down from the trip. It seems to be setting in maybe. It’s hard to say exactly what I’m feeling. Every time I want to watch Star Trek I’m drawn away from it. I gave myself exactly what I wanted and yet I still seem to want for more.

This trip seems to be focusing on needs whether I want it to or not. I seem to not be able to find exactly what I want. I’m not able to settle exactly into the moment. But maybe chasing a moment isn’t what I was meant to do.

Why would I stay inside watching shows when there’s a whole world out there.

Why am I so tethered to what I need. As I need I I will have it. I will provide it for myself. Do I fear that I won’t provide for myself? As the bug that crawled up my foot was just providing for itself. I have what I need. So why worry. I am not worried.

I feel the urge as most others have to talk. To connect with others like me. I wonder as I sit on this bench. Surrounded by everyone who will ever sit on this bench if sailors and travels future and past have felt this too. This urge to talk. To everyone to no one. To share everything I’m experiencing with everyone. The beautiful things I see. the colors. The beautiful, wow.

I understand. I am not alone. Everyone is around me.

I have never felt more self-love. More self-understanding. More self-love. I love and understand myself so much. More than anyone I could need. I am allowed to belong to myself and no one but me.

I am very reaffirmed in the fact that purple is my favorite color.

I’m very aware of the shrooms settling themselves into my system. I’m aware of it. It’s all I’ve had today. And trail mix.

Just laying here in this grass so much joy there’s so much going on in my head I don’t think I could ever say or even document or even if I want to document

This moment is mine

I need

I feel

I am

I am a vessel to view life. To observe to see.

For a while, I thought I was sagging my pants but I think I’m good.

I’m in the comedown of the trip. I’m really hallucinating.

I seem to have gotten through some unpleasant delusions that my pants were falling off. But they weren't and they aren't I'm home now once again watching Star Trek.

From the outside, I must look either completely crazy or completely normal. Inside so much is happening.

I think for the most part I’m through it. I learned so so much. I seem to want to just stand everywhere. I also keep thinking that my pants were falling off on my walk. I’m so sure they weren’t but it felt sooooo real. I think I was hallucinating my pants falling off. Not quite falling off. But like they were just melting down my legs and I couldn’t pick them back up. These leggings are in fact quite big but they aren't melting down my legs and it’s hard to understand why I thought they were but I thought they were.

Maybe I just don’t like leggings.

I’ve felt so much profound happiness today. I do not need a reason to love my self. I’m allowed to love myself as I am just because I am.

mushrooms
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