Ecuador

I hear something calling my name. I feel a force pulling me closer. Saying, come to me, I will help heal your trauma. Generational and from your childhood. It is time, you are ready. I am the healing you need. Come to me. It was grandmother Ayahuasca calling me. The spirit of the vine. Vine of the dead.

I answer the calling. A month later I book a flight to a place called Casa Del Sol. Home of the Sun. They are a retreat center working with plant medicine - Ayahuasca and San Pedro. Located in Vilcabamba, Loja, Ecuador. It was my first time traveling abroad - alone too. My journey there wasn't direct. I had to take eight flights and two taxi rides to arrive at Del Sol and go back home to Philadelphia, PA. Getting there was apart of the journey - a fun one i'll never forget. I remember touching down to Ecuador on the plane. Mountains upon mountains, all iI saw was energetic terrain. So beautiful! Nothing I have ever seen before through these eyes. When I was in town all I seen in the back was tall flamboyant mountains. It was so breath taking. Butterflies kept fluttering around me all over town. An omen of transformation.

Little did I know when I first started my journey, I would meet a lot of characters and make many friends I would form lifelong bonds with. The first memorable stranger I talked to in town was originally from Paris. She spoke 7-8 different languages and has moved all over the world living in 6 different countries. She has lived in Vilcabamba for 9 years. She said she loved the atmosphere here. She said the atmosphere is very pure and peaceful unlike any other place. I defiantly subscribed to that. The second stranger friend I met is named Frank. Later on he turns out to be one of my new lifelong friends. He is a local artist. A very creative and innovative entrepreneur. He made paintings out of things people would call trash and turns it into beautiful art painted on cardboard. I have five of his master pieces on my wall today.

I find myself waiting at the gates of Casa Del Sol with a red headed women. We say nothing but exchange smiles until we are greeted. I find out later her name is Stephie. We enter the gate and walk across the bridge with the river flowing beneath us. I am shown to my cabin with a beautiful view and surround sound of the river, the birds, the wind, la vida.

I walk in the living room of Casa Del Sol and I see a women seated to the right and a young man whose face looked foreign to me on the left. The women is Ximena, one of the main Shamans and that was her son, MaTeo. They ask me where I'm from. "China." I reply. "Ahh cool! How old are you?" Ximena questions. I respond with my favorite answer. "Guess." MaTeo studies my character and says "Twenty three." "Wow! Correct, not many people guess right." Ximena probes "When's your birthday?" I pause and answer "I don't know..I was abandoned as a baby, due to China's one child policy probably. I don't know anything. My birth parents, birth day, where and when exactly I was born, nothing." They are speechless. The questions stop and focus on Stephie who walks in the room. There were eight other people in my retreat group. Her and me were the first ones to arrive.

"What is my intention?" asks Ximena in a private interview. "To heal." I say in short. "I was abused as a child for 17 years by my mother - physically, emotionally, and mentally. Every second of the day. Everyday, until I moved out at 18. I need to heal my mind body and soul. As I was doing research I found people saying ayahuasca is a powerful healer for such things. I know to not fully rely on the medicine to heal me, but to assist me, giving me new insights and perspectives." I explain more. She looks at me with sympathy in her eyes. "Ahh. I was too abused, by my father." She confesses to me. We speak the same language. She continues "I think your intention should be to reach inside and hug your inner child. Be the love and shelter you need." Beautiful, I agreed. I left the room with a smile and a special connection with her.

Later on the same day we have a sweat lodge ceremony. Prior to this one, I have never participated in one. Long story short it is nothing like a sauna. Before starting the ceremony we gave and received blessings from the spirits of all directions (Up, down, north, east, etc.) by showing gratitude. They go easy on the new comer and it isn't so bad the first time. It was cleansing, detoxifying. I felt lighter, spiritually and physically. I listed my intention inside what they call the womb (sweat lodge hut). To heal my mind, body, and soul. To show myself the love I need to receive. I hear words coming to m I repeat out loud "Receive, let be, release, let go." "Aho." The shamans reply. Aho meaning I agree in their tongue. I feel an energy of immense love hug me energetically from behind. It was unexplainable, but I know I felt the energy of love embracing me, the spirit. The second ceremony was not so relaxing. It felt like I was being burned alive. Literally. I started to meditate. I went somewhere in my mind and I no longer felt the burning sensation my physical body was feeling. That lasted for a split second, then I went back to suffering. Within that minor second, was a huge lesson. Pain is in the mind to summarize.

The first ceremony was with San Pedro. We hiked up a mountain to the cleansing waterfall on the medicine. San Pedro connects you to the deepest parts of your heart. It helps you connect deeply with yourself and nature. Before the cleanse I had time to sit with myself and reflect. I disconnected from my camera and phone. It was just me and this mountain. I felt called to go and talk to a cow I seen near the top of the mountain. So I climbed up, I seen the cow giving me a look like it didn't want to be bothered. I sat six feet apart from Ms. Cow instead. My eyes were affiliated with the sky and my view of the endless mountains. If majestically gorgeous had a name, this view was it. I look up at the sky and thoughts start rushing through my head. The one that sticks was 'I wish my mom was here to see this. To see everything.' I start to cry tears of unfelt pain. Bottled up for 23 years until that moment. I came face to face with my truth. I miss and love someone I've never met. I just want to meet my birth parents. My whole life I pretended I didn't care when in fact, that's what I cared about the most. I wish I knew what she looked like, who she is. Who my family is. What are they into? Do I have siblings? Where is my family? So many questions I can only imagine answers to. I felt like I unlocked a heavily locked door. This was only the beginning. So many layers I shed and keep shedding.

I'm pulling dead grass from a plant. A brown cow down further on the mountain begins to moo at me. The cow is talking to me. I yell down "It's dead!" I notice the shamans stare at me. I realized it probably doesn't want me touching it's food at all, I'm in their territory. Ooopppsss. I see the brown cow below starts to moo at a white cow above me. They meet up and I see these cows are lovers! An interracial cow couple! Simultaneously, I see the women shaman and her son sit next to each other and the mother patting her son on the back. Those moments made me realize, I am always surrounded by love. I felt so much love in the atmosphere, the love energy throughout the whole radius. I look up at the sky and think 'Wherever you are mom, I hope you know I am safe and I love you. I hope everything is well for you.' I felt my heart mend in a new way. Healing layer by layer. San Pedro helped me release a lot of trauma I had trouble feelings. It helped me recconect the severed connection with my birth mom and myself.

Finally, it was time. During the night it was time to drink the ayahuasca, the medicine. What I traveled all this way for. Ayahuasca is a powerful healing tool. A great nurturing motherly spirit that took the physical form of a vine. A sacred special portal between the spirit would and the physical world. I was nervous. I said my peace to all my loved ones, and I was ready for the endless possibilities.

I'm sitting in the maloka, a sacred space used to hold ayahuasca ceremonies. An outdoor bungalow. There was a fire pit in the middle, used as a source point. I am excited. I'm sitting by the shamans son, close to the fire. The Shaman gives us a big dose. Later I find this out because she saw the warrior spirit in us. I drink one cup. The feelings of nausea creep in. I am having extraordinary visions teaching me valuable lessons in life. Then I see him.

I have my eyes closed and my soul is somewhere else. I am in a place surrounded by orange. It almost felt like I was inside of a warm flame. It wasn't burning or hot, but feelings of nurturing warm energy, I felt safe. I seen a big tree root coming from the east. In front of it, I seen my father. It was my birth father. Ayahuasca puts you in a state of telepathy, higher dimensions and planes. I knew this was my father. He sees me and looks surprised. I will never forget his face. His bottom teeth was crooked and he looked to have lived to a decent age by the wrinkles on his face. He was dark skinned, he is my southeast asian side.

I felt pain coming to the realization, that means my dad is dead. I open my eyes and I see the fire, I am back at the ceremony. I close my eyes, I'm in the orange space again and see my dad coming toward me. I open my eyes again, back at the ceremony. I close them, he is in front of me. I ask him where is mom? The environment changes, I am in a black void and I see my dad's whole body from a distance. I see he is holding me as a baby wrapped in blankets. Silence. Stillness. 'She died giving birth to you. 'What??!? No. I'm in doubt. I ask him about his life, he changes the scene and we are outside in China. We are on a fence and he is sitting to the right of me. With his arm he motions this is the view. All I see is a field of luscious green grass and so many grand mountains pale blue silhouetted mountains. The view is even more breath taking than Ecuador, and I was sharing it with my dad. This was his view. This was his life. Your intuition is extremely enhanced and I knew he wishes we could of sat together in the physical.

I ask again. Where is mom? Upset, he answers ' She died, giving birth to you.' The truth sets in to me now. 'No...NO!' Feelings of deep uncovered pain wash over me. The deepest I have ever felt my emotions go. I am crying in vain. All I could say is repeated words of no and why. I am grabbing the rocks in the maloka trying to connect with my mother. Then it hits me. All of the times I have disrespected my body. All of the times I was ungrateful to be alive. 'I'm sorry.' was the only words I could say. My father and me grieved over here. We were crying and hugging each other. At one point I was feeling his emotions. He felt great pain, he suffered immensely over the loss of mom and me. He was in my emotions, he felt my pain. We were one. Then we were divided. He did that to show me he cared. I had went my whole life thinking they didn't. It wasn't his forgiveness I need or my mom's, but myself. I felt my mom's spirit. We were together as a family now. We were all grieving and consoling each other as a family. Mourning over the time we never spent. Grieving that this is how we all meet. Mourning over how things are and what we been thru. I must of been crying for what felt like two hours. It was the deepest pain I have ever felt in my whole life, and probably ever will.

Ximena comes to talk to me. "Sometimes we think we have to suffer longer than we do. Come sit in front of the fure Ji Li, it will help guide you to the light. Sit in front with open arms and heart." So I did. I'm sitting in front of the fire and I feel the tears coming again. Then from the flame I hear "Child, there is no reason to cry." I look up, I feel my parents spirits in the fire, in the flames. My dad is to the left and my mom is to the right. I hear my mother's inner divine goddess speak to me with such force, power, and assertiveness. "I am your voice, speak your truth clearly. You hold great power with the voice. Speak your power clearly and soundly. I am your eyes, everything you see we see. I am your body, I gave you a healthy body. Take great care of your temple. I am your face. I am you. You are a reflection of me. We live on through you, you are our legacy." I stopped crying, she had my full attention. I kept shaking my head in understanding. "We are always with you, we are apart of you. Our souls are connected. Anytime you need us you will find us in your heart. Feel your heart." I sat there comprehending it. "Feel it." She commanded me I took my hand and placed it over my heart. I felt their spirits go from the fire into my heart. I felt their spirits inside of my heart. "We are always in your heart." I was no longer sad, I accepted it.

I went back to my seat and we spent more time as a family. Hugging and embracing each other. I found out my mom was a pisces and my dad was a leo. For the first time ever I asked them to spend time with me. To not leave me and spend the lost time together. They didn't leave until the ceremony closed. I fell asleep in the maloka and woke up alone with the sun shining and river flowing.

I had so much more enlightening, releasing, and healing moments during the retreat, but for time's sake I will keep it to myself. The beginning moments I shared were some of the most powerful ones. Those experiences led me to falling in love with Ecuador and feeling apart of a family with the land and people I met there. I am moving to Ecuador from Philadelphia next month to start a new journey. Home is where I am. Home is pachamama, mother earth. Home is love.