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Don't Do Drugs, Leave That To My Friend

The time my mate did so much drugs he thought he was a member of the the Justice League.

By Kyle FergusonPublished 6 years ago 6 min read

The story I'm about to tell you is completely true, from start to finish this masterpiece of a night out is completely factual, backed up by collaborators to make sure I hadn't taken drugs too, tripping off my face and imagining it. So buckle up and pretend you have nothing better to do for the next 10 minutes.

It was summer last year and me and my best friend Alex decided to throw ourselves a group party, inviting our friend Ollie and his girlfriend, so basically a small get together with the ultimate goal of getting white girl wasted and creating some awesome new memories - which tended to happen often when we four were together and drunk, we're the cheap teenage version of the Hangover trilogy.

However, about an hour into to being classically good at taking shots, Ollie and his girlfriend began to argue and me and Alex decided to venture out into the wild streets to give them time to talk things out. We ended up at someone's birthday party, univited of course, and within about 20 minutes Alex had picked a fight with someone, the tension was heated and a lot of people showed up on the opposite side and I'm smack in the middle trying to ease everyone up like a true hero, so I turn to Alex and tell him;

"What are you doing? We can't take all of these people by ourselves you Muppet."

To which he responded with;

"Who said anything about just us two? Look over the bridge."

So I turn and stare blankly down this dark, pothole filled road and suddenly about 20 people appeared over the horizon, it took about 5 minutes for them to reach us and seemed like something out of The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers when Gandalf shows up with a bloody army to save the day. What a relief. These people didn't want to fight either so they ushered us to a new spot - In the middle of a field - with nothing but phone torches and bluetooth speakers. Oh and drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

I stayed with these people for about 10 minutes before deciding this wasn't my thing, drugs aren't my strength - Vodka is. So I ventured back home to continue drinking with the unhappy couple in desperate hope that they'd still be in a mood with each other and hadn't skipped straight to make up sex leaving me a drunk third wheel. Unfortunately they were back on indoor voices terms again and luckily fully clothed. I've seen Ollie naked before and I wasn't impressed with how unmanly it made me feel.

Anyway, an hour passes by and I remember I'd forgotten about my main pal Alex, so I give him a call - straight to voicemail, I panic. What if he's dead? What if he's in trouble? And more importantly, what if he's having more fun than me? I go out and take a look around the town centre - couldn't see him, so I run back to mine and get to worried best mate stage, me and Ollie spit-balling ideas back and forth hoping to spark inspiration as to where the clown is, when suddenly the booze king busted through the door off his head on 3 different drugs.

I lay into him, interrogating him as to where he had been, he mumbled a few words at me so abrupt it'd make the Ong Bak film producer want to use him, he needed bloody subtitles. Luckily I speak fluent wasted and made out 6 words in total;

"Sorry, I had to save him."

So, it turns out, Alex thought he'd seen the Green Arrow being attacked by the League Of Assassins (We love reading comics and watching the TV shows) and in an attempt to intervene he threw his phone at the attackers and it broke - well that explains the straight to voicemail I kept getting.

Me and Alex go down stairs, I'm ready to sleep, he isn't, he keeps mumbling words and trying to have a conversation with me, I keep telling him to shut up because I was tired as hell and feeling hangover effects already, but never the less, here's how the end of our conversation went;

"Don't worry Kyle, Don't - just don't worry, because do you know what me, you and Ollie know that no one else does"

"What Alex" I replied, desperately trying to shunt him away.

" W-We. We know Aqua Man's secret identity."

I start crying with laughter, I tell him to go tell Ollie that, in a masterminded attempt of him being distracted long enough for me to get some sleep. I was shifting the annoyance to someone else. It worked.

I fell asleep for an hour, Ollie comes down stairs laughing madly with no containment, he needed to tell someone what had just happened. Unfortunately, that meant waking me up.

Ollie put it this way:

Alex had allegedly walked outside and tried to lift up a steel bin (You know, the ones for commercial use only?) and when he couldn't, he started crying a rushing back, tears running down his face, frantically running around the room yelling 'My powers aren't working!' - the night is set, the joke that is Alex on drugs has reached laugh-out-loud oint. So Ollie tries to calm him down,

'What do you mean your powers aren't working?' Ollie replied

'My Kryptonian powers Ollie! I think the sun is no longer working on me!'

And Oh. My. God. the screech from Ollie and his girlfriend was enough to wake me up alone. Alex runs off, presumably in search of a new red sun planet, but I decided that sleep was more important at this point than the safety of my best mate, especially since I was the one who told him not to take drugs in the first place. This high lasted two whole days, two god damn days of Flashpoint Paradox Clark Kent running around. What a time to be alive.

In conclusion, the drugs Alex took that night was a mixture of Cocaine, Ecstasy and an unknown substance that obviously made him hallucinate on a high that was better than Bradley Cooper with his Limitless pill. Excellent. Well I guess if I had to have a closing statement it'd be this;

Don't do drugs kids. Also, if you do do drugs, nights will never be legendary unless you have friends there to experience it with you - How I Met Your Mother quote successfully implemented and with that, Stinson Out.

humorpop culture

About the Creator

Kyle Ferguson

I’m anti-everyone

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