Couch Exercises for Stoners

by Wendy Weedler 3 years ago in satire / list / health

Get the workout you need from the comfort of your own home with couch exercises for stoners.

Couch Exercises for Stoners

Exercise. Whether you love it or you hate it, one thing’s for sure: you need it. So for all my fellow potheads out there, here is a list of several activities to perform from the comfort of your own home, known as couch exercises for stoners.

Can there really be effective couch exercises for stoners, you ask? Really, nothing is more comfortable than finding that perfect position on your favorite couch. Especially after taking a toke or two. It’s a familiar place, one that we can unknowingly spend hours in, and it’s an easy place to fall back upon (pun intended). Sometimes, however, a body needs exercise. And yet, despite that motivation that exists in your brain somewhere to get some, we just can’t find enough of it to get ourselves off the couch. That said, for those of us who just can’t fathom getting out of the Lay-Z-Boy, I have the perfect solution for you: exercising in your own living room. Here is a list of several couch exercises for stoners that you can do from the comfort of your own home, comfortably numb.

Couch Squats

Want to strengthen your legs, you say? Don’t want to get off the couch, you say? Well, I have just the exercise for you: couch squats! As the cushions on your sofa are inherently less stable than solid ground, your quads, hamstrings, and glutes are all going to be challenged during couch squats, even without weights. For the same reason, your leg muscles will be contracting much quicker than they would if you were doing squats on a solid surface.

To get your leg workout on with these on-the-couch squats, simply stand on your couch (or couch cushions on the floor) with your feet slightly wider than shoulder width apart. Then, squat down as low as you can. Hold this position for a few seconds and then rise back up. We recommend doing at least two sets of 10 reps.

This exercise will strengthen your leg muscles, but it will also improve your proprioception (awareness of body position) as well as balance.

Tip: To make these couch squats a bit tougher, place your feet closer together before squatting.

Loungin' Out Leg Raises

via Cosmopolitain

Don’t want to move your butt out of your favorite position? We understand. Even so, there are some exercises that you can do without moving your ass at all. Some Loungin’ Out Leg Raises might be the perfect exercise for you. We told you there were some great couch exercises for stoners!

Leg raises will be much more difficult on a couch than they would be on the floor for the same reason that squats are: the couch cushions are far less stable than solid ground. Sit on the edge of the couch, so you are barely balancing your butt. At this point, you want to shift your upper body backwards ever-so-slightly so your spine is closer to a horizontal position and your balance is slightly off-center. Raise and lower your legs from the floor for about six to 10 times.

This exercise builds your hip flexor muscles, upper and lower abs, and increases your balance in general. We’re making progress here, from the comfort of our own couch. Reward yourself with a quick toke from your favorite pipe.

Rip 'N Row Boat

Continuing with our all-star list of couch exercises for stoners, next on the list is the Rip ‘n Row Boat. This easy exercise targets your back, shoulders, and triceps, and requires only a single resistance band.

Loop the center of your resistance band around one of the legs of your couch. Now, hold the ends of the band in each hand, with your arms extended in from of you, palms facing down. Holding the resistance band, pull your elbows behind you at shoulder height. At this point, keep your elbows bent to maintain the resistance, then lower them to your sides, then return to original position.

Do 15 repetitions of the exercise, then stash the band between your sofa cushions so it’s always on hand. Who know, you might even find a few bucks under your sofa cushion next time you pull it out.

Couch Potato Tricep Dips

via Cosmopolitain

After all these leg and ab workouts, let’s not forget about the arms. They need some exercise-lovin’, too, after all. Couch Potato Tricep Dips are a great way to target the back arm muscles.

Put your hands on the edge of the couch and face your body away (towards that massive 60" 4K in front of you). Make sure your feet are far enough away from the couch, that way you can hold yourselves up with your elbows bent. With your elbows straightened, slowly lower yourself so your body moves down, towards the floor, while you bend at the elbows.

Go as low as you can (ideally where your elbows form a 90-degree angle), then push yourself back up into the starting position. Somewhere between two to three sets of 15 to 20 dips should serve just fine. Feel the burn (both literally and figuratively)!

This exercise targets the triceps, which form the majority of muscle mass in arms. This is the perfect way for the couch potato inside all of us to isolate these muscles and give them a decent workout.

Hydro-Decline Pushup

It’s time to move into more expert couch exercise territory. We’ve been doing some effective and easy exercises that help the regular couch potato stay in shape. Let’s try something that, while it might be difficult at first, is definitely great for that body of yours: The Hydro Decline Push-Up.

To do this exercise, get into full push-up position with your hands on the floor, arms extended. The balls of your feet should be resting on your couch cushion and your hips should be lifted up high enough so that your body forms a straight line from head to toe. Bend your elbows slowly to lower your chest towards the floor. Return to original position. Do this exercise around 15 times.

This exercise targets your chest, arms, and abs, much like a regular push-up. If this exercise proves to be a tad too difficult, place your knees on a cushion, or do an incline push-up with your feet on the floor and your palms on the couch. Not too tough, is it?

Booty Lift

Exercising doesn’t always have to look elegant. Such is the case with our next couch exercise for stoners, the Booty Lift. It’s time to make a fool of ourselves, all while toning up our butt and hamstrings (thankfully we are in our living room, no one to gawk).

Next to your Lay-Z-Boy, lie face-up on the floor with your butt facing the couch. With your heels roughly hip-width apart, place them on the edge of the couch, knees bent 90 degrees. Put your arms on the floor, slightly out to the sides. Now, lift your hips up, while squeezing your glutes, so that your body forms a straight line from shoulders to knees. Lower your knees out to the sides then bring them back in, returning to original position.

If you look like you’re thrusting away into thin air, then you’re doing the exercise correctly. After doing this exercise for a while, you’ll no doubt get the booty you’ve always wanted!

Couch Crunches

After such a ridiculous looking (and ridiculous feeling) exercise, let’s fall back into something more traditional: Couch Crunches. Everyone has done crunches before; you know, those half sit-ups? Pretty easy, right? Only thing we are adding here is that beautiful couch of yours.

Crunches are one of the most effective exercises for strengthening the rectus abdominis (the “six-pack muslces”) as well as the obliques. While we might be used to the other type of “six-pack” on our couches, we can certainly work ours out while Netflixing.

Laying back on the couch with your hands behind your head, bring your knees up towards your chest. At the same time, slightly lift your torso until you can feel the burn in your abs. If you want to work out your obliques as well, bring one elbow to the opposite knee, and the same with the other.

Since the cushions are less stable than the ground, your abdominal muscles will be flexing much quicker than they would be if you were performing crunches on a solid surface.

Couch Cardio

Using your sofa to slim down? Blasphemy, you say! Not in this list of effective couch exercises for stoners. Incorporate your throne into fat-burning cardio moves, making exercises such as burpees, squat thrusts, and mountain climbers much easier. I give you: Couch Cardio!

Working on an incline (hands on the edge of the couch instead of all the way down to the floor), makes a lot of cardio exercises much easier and simpler. You can still get you heart rate up, but at the same time you can alleviate some of the intense pressure on your wrists. Hell, you might even be able to finish an entire set without having to stop and catch your breath (vaping helps the lungs in this sense…)!

Do some timed interval sets with your favorite moves. Go for 30 seconds all out, then rest for 15. If you’re feeling up to it, try and do longer 45- to 60-second workout sets, followed by a 10- to 15-second recovery section. Do up to five sets of intervals if you’re really trying to feel the burn. Afterwards, reward yourself with a different, more fun kind of burn.

So, for all you stoners out there, there isn’t any excuse to not exercise! While of course the prospect of going to the gym is not a great one, it isn’t the only place where you can have a great workout. This list is just a starting point for all you aspiring healthy potheads, as apathy and marijuana don’t necessarily need to go hand-in-hand. After reading this list of couch exercises for stoners, hopefully you can motivate yourself to get in a bit of a workout, all while blazing your favorite blend.

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Wendy Weedler

Lives in Washington D.C. Has been part of the legalization movement for decades.

See all posts by Wendy Weedler