Zone Addiction

I don't understand how I was able to stay in control of my surroundings.

I've seen and been in situations that demanded confusion.

I was lost, broken, and felt abandoned,

although aware of it, crave the pain,

never asking myself what will this gain?

It was my life. It was my function.

I survived and it made me stronger.

Never looking for a way out,

just for the comfort.

I saw the danger, I saw the risk,

but it was like flutter after a kiss.

It filled up my soul.

My heart was un-touched.

I walked in a fog half my life,

Making up lies and covering it up.

I didn't think I was doing anything wrong.

I didn't feel other's pain.

My pain was too strong,

too involved,

too selfish,

that it never occurred to me,

This could drive me insane.

I was stopped.

I was trapped.

This new feeling, it felt good,

it felt real,

it was honest.

How do I deal?

I tried to find the danger,

the flow of my soul.

It wasn't working.

The security enfolded my world,

It made me whole.

I now belong.

I thought I needed this,

this quilt that warmed my heart

and made me a part of what? Society.

I was to be respected,

an important person to many,

who counted on me for stability.

I've never known stability.

It was introduced, it was learned, I adapted.

this new life, I tried, It was all crafted.

But I lost control.

It crept slowly at first,

into my world unnoticed.

I asked, should I stop, get a grip?

because it felt so right

but hurt like a ton of bricks.

The danger is back.

The risk is stolen from under me.

I've become fearful, but excited.

Numbness flowing through my body,

making me weak and invisible.

Once again...

I can selfishly embrace my pain.

The pain I crave...

because it is a pain that can only comfort me.