YOU

You are the reason I lie awake at night -

eyes wide and heart bursting out of my ribcage.

You are the reason I toss and turn, desperate for relief,

until I give up on temporary peace

and rise to pace and breathe fire out of my lungs,

attempting to filter out the chaos bubbling in my veins.

You are the reason I gasp and cry soon after,

my disbelief and horror fueling every shaky sob

and shocking memory playing on repeat in my head.

You were the reason I lied

to hide the truth from you

so that you might be spared this heartbreak,

for no one should be the sole blame

on a collapsing house of cards.

Yet you never once hesitated

to point your faults at me,

to weaponize them into a noxious gas

that left me paralyzed and helpless,

cut open and alive on a surgeon's table

so that you could scrutinize me further

for imperfections and broken hardware.

You made me believe this was love.

Till the end, I whispered “I love you”

even as every incision bled and bled

and every blood pool became my mess to clean up.

I escaped you, but your words have followed me home.

They haunt every choice I make

and rob me of joy in every accomplishment,

and every night I sleep and pray

that tomorrow you will not speak

those poisonous spells again.

You are the reason why

when I look into the mirror

I see nothing of worth there,

for if I’m not perfect,

no one will ever love me.

-

This is the tenth poem in RE: SURGENCE, a poetry collection by Amanda Starks that shares what it's like to have and fight against mental illness in a free-form, lyrical prose.

Be aware that topics and themes may include suicide, self-harm, and isolation.

NEXT POEM:

PREVIOUS POEM:

If you want a free copy of RE: SURGENCE in an online, fully formatted PDF document, subscribe to my email newsletter at www.amandastarks.com ( found under the CONTACTS tab ), and it will be in your inbox once all the poems have been published here!