Yellow and Black

The bees are back again,

They're swarming in my head,

The evil fuckers edit emotions endlessly and I said,

They fill my limbs and stomach

Infiltrate the bones,

They stop my arms from moving and they paralyze the toes.

Unable to move, aware of responsibilities I,

Spend my time in bed at 3pm with the driest of eyes,

But I cry over the simplest of things,

Cant handle the cacophony of their tiny little wings.

The buzzing filling my thoughts,

Anxiety, stress become my gods,

They're in control and im in the back seat,

I'm a spectator I miss the beat,

Am I disassociated or was I ever even here,

Reality's a facade that's way too quick to disappear.

I want them gone, but I don't wanna take the pills again,

They make me feel the same no matter what I'm thinkin in my head,

No bees, no stress but no happiness either,

I'd rather smile and feel love all so i could see Her, but the

Trade-off is a HIVE inside my mind;

not a hivemind,

but like dry ice,

feels like my life,

has no timeline,

just some fine lines,

between blurry days of the week;

It's making me feel so weak,

I'm finding it hard to speak,

Want my life to just delete,

***

Gettin so bad I can barely bring myself to pay the rent,

Startin to worry the bees are an excuse for my incompetence,

Livin off packs of noodles a day of food for only 80 cents,

If sloth is a sin then i am gonna have to go repent

But if I step inside a church they'd try and exorcise me,

Cause the way I talk and act looks like there's a demon inside me,

When really I'm just weird cause of the ADHD,

Anxiety combines to manifest the bees they cant see.

I say I'm used to it but honestly it's frustratin,

Im trying to sleep but my fuckin leg won't stop shakin,

My memory's so bad I'm late to every occasion,

Forgot so many birthdays my peers are running out of patience.

If I could focus on something for just a fucking second of my time,

I'm convinced that i could make some art to justify my life,

And justify the strife,

That ive caused with tutoring fees,

My parents were always driving me,

To rehearsals, band practice, jams, and unpaid gigs,

If I can write enough rhymes maybe I could make 6 figs,

And then I'd buy a car a house and maybe a nice production rig,

And maybe then I could stand by my words cause I always dreamed big.

Im always on the if onlys,

If only my brain wasn't this faulty,

If only I wasn't this salty,

If only my voice wasn't this ugly,

I swear I'd stop talking bout it all and actually do,

These things that I'm always telling people that I really want to

Honestly I can't imagine what it's like without these,

These intrusive thoughts obsessions and all this contained energy,

I feel like I've I've lied to there's no such since as neurotypicality,

Is it really true there's people out there without anxiety?

But I guess the bees are part of something that I am a part of too,

A list of things and habits and thoughts that combine to make me as a dude,

I think im half-decent and my girlfriend thinks too,

So I'ma deal with all this shit instead of writing more words to you.

***

I got bees in my brain,

and they're givin me this pain

I dont wanna get out

of my bed

but this feelin wont go away

Why is it so

Complicated

to live life in any way?

I just wanna smoke weed and drink wine and play video games

every single day