Wiping the Slate Clean

I thought I wanted you but what I really wanted was freedom from you, but every time I saw your face it brought me back to the place where I was insecure and falling for you.

And here I am driving home after seeing you again not voluntarily out with your friends.

And here I am all alone thinking about everything that we had done together and everything you’ve taken from me and everything I can’t get back, so why does it feel so good yet so hard?

Because I broke the chains you held on me and now I’m floating out to sea; see what comes next- if you’ll prove to be a lesson learned or not even that;

maybe more than that- maybe because of you I now know who I don’t wanna be.. it’s a hard pill to swallow knowing you’re not right for me

But feeling this way makes me feel ashamed for ever wanting you, but I guess in the end I dropped charades. I stopped the games. I said no were done.

I can’t do it anymore and that’s when you realized you were done being “bored,”

Because you knew you wouldn’t get anything you truly wanted out of me.

Sorry I have self respect. Sorry I have class. Sorry I felt like being with you was a waste of my time and an even bigger waste of my heart.

Instead of pouring out to you- an empty well, I should’ve waited like everyone said and maybe I wouldn’t be stuck here hating myself.

I probably won’t be able to sleep

But at least I know you’re not in my bed

You’re not in my head

You’re not in my car

You’re not in my heart

But you are in my prayers

Because no one deserves to feel this lost by the doing of another person they trusted

I pray you find yourself

But don’t come looking for me

Because when you do,

I’ll be gone

I’ll have found myself

And I will hopefully have found a guy- no.. a man who treats me with honor and respect and class and integrity

I know it’s a rare find

But that’s my goal

and I refuse to be told

The only types of guys out there

Are the ones like you,

Who get tired of being used

Even though I only used you to find out it wasn’t worth it in the end

It’s different than throwing away a crumbled up piece of paper; more like you took the fresh ink on the page and whited out all my beliefs and understandings

You manipulated my trust and my heart

No, I’ll never come back to you

But I will forgive you

As soon as I figure out how to forgive myself