Why It Hurts so Badly?

It was supposed to be a simple goodbye
but the residue will never divide
from my mental state to my physical aura
It's like voodoo and a forbidden potion
What can I do in this situation
Huh?
I could leave everything behind and try to find you

I could break my non-social media oath
put my government out there and hope that you find me

Maybe visit Philly and pretend that I am a tourist
Just to see if you go to the same areas that we used to
That would be stalking but maybe that's what you wanted

Maybe it's all by design
that this thing we have is inseparable
Like a villain to a hero
an apprentice to a master craftsman
A teacher to the student
Or in this case a victim to a victim

I'm stricken by your forbidden fruit
and quite frankly I need more
The dreams that end up being subtle nightmares
It drives me to write but at the cost of sanity
I sold it a long time ago for free
I paid it no mind
transparent with the astonishing beauty of me wanting you
but do I really want to take that gamble
Scramble from my comfort to throw it all away
just to see if this is fate or a fairy tale destiny

I'm not the man I used to be
but I constantly keep seeing you as the complete me
I'm going crazy just thinking of ways to get over you
maybe it's because of unfinished business
or its a bitter-sweet taboo that I am still in love with you
A part of me wish I could have hung up and accepted your callback
Avoided all eye contact
Bring the modern day citizen back
and subtract the lustful acts and just face the facts
that this is us and similarities attract like metal to magnets

Maybe you are a motivator to keep me on my toes
exposed my talents and oppose sitting all day on the bed
A common peace within the depression called life

Then again I held so much from you
From my illnesses, ruthless upbringing, and the real reason
why I didn't let you come by
It's not a facade or any sort of lie
It was just the grim facts that resided where I lived
I wanted you to save me, but I was too stubborn to be saved
I wanted to protect you, but I can't even face my own battles
I wanted us to flee from the city, but I failed grabbing your wrist
instead I trusted her hand and dismiss such plans for us to be an item

Now decades later, I'm still living with your pain
Missed out on graduations
Celebrations and hope for the future
Stepping in as a father
Laying to rest a mother
You're seeing the other side of me
Finally finding out my family tree
Making the most out of a neglected history
Putting aside the grief just to see
another family
Reuniting once again only to neglect a true friend
broken path, lied too and left with a child
such a wrath of consequences
If I turned back the dial and relieve the pain
that will continue until I see my mother again