Why do I cause so much pain?

You stagger as you stand, holding onto the bar table, eardrums still shrilling from the cheering noise.

You lay back your head on the bathroom floor, floating through the voices who say, “Party’s not over Ron, where you headed?”

The morning is loud and annoying.

Trickle water on your scalp, and let it roll to the tip of your face.

The long drive to work unsettles you,

The tunnel lights,

106 fluorescent bulbs.



Rain drums the top of your car, 23 minutes late,

You crunch your right foot on the pedal to quicken the pace.

You car flies like a bullet train, cursing other cars, "how slow do they drive?" Your middle finger waving in the air like a signpost.

The car veers to the left,

Your heart punching at your chest like a stallion.

You jump and forget the first thing about constraint, stumping on the brakes to silence the car.

It does not relent and throws itself at you, your hands tensing to stabilize the steering.

You drive into a collision,

Rolling three times, spinning like a frisbee.



You see how the end is not so far,

How we all cannot see over the edge,

How your heart never thought to pray.

You strike the wall, rocking against the force.



Three people run towards you,

You watch a driver crawl from her smoking car.

With your seatbelts now free, you exit

Laying on your back.



You bury terrible thoughts.

You are reminded that all bad things turn good.



Two weeks apart is not enough,

Your second accident occurs.



The airbag whacks your ribs.

“Why do you never learn?”



You kick the door open, blood dripping from your nose,

Three red dots on the floor.

Your legs start to walk, far away from the car,

You cannot escape,

You cannot outrun who you are.



You wish this time you died, mutter to yourself as you hear the ambulance cry,

“Why do I cause so much pain?”

listen to the EMT saying, “Breath, raise your head.”



Somedays, you look out into the distance,

Kick the sands on the floor, and speak your heart to the skies.



Somedays, you wait for an answer,

Knowing that it won’t come, knowing that it lies inside you.



Feel your shoulders shake now, feel the tears fall into hands clasped to your face, feel the guilt in your throat now, watch your soul tremble from countless mistakes.



Your back falls with the weight of responsibility, your heart wishes just this once everything could end.



You now enter into a shell,

Diving deeper, deeper,

Enveloping yourself.



You are frugal, embittered, forgotten,

But live life as you want.



And on the days when you’re not in the club throwing hands in the air,

Or in front of the screen scrolling through the timeline,

Or among your friends gassing you up,

How do you feel, how do you really feel?