Who am I?

For a long time, I defined myself as

black or white.

I could never decide.

Sometimes I felt grey, and sometimes I felt…

Nothing at all.

—

What color am I?

I’d ask myself.

I wasn’t looking at my skin,

I looked inside my soul.

My suntanned skin was not who I was,

neither were my hazel eyes which were the windows to my soul,

or my brown hair, or my red polished nails.

Not being a color was troublesome,

so I decided on white. Why not?

White lacks all other colors, and there it stands…

Alone. Empty. Bright.

No, that wouldn’t do. I couldn’t be white.

White reflected back beauty,

and I wasn’t beautiful.

I didn’t feel light, or brightness, or joy.

How about black, I’d tell myself?

Black was good for when I felt vacuous.

When I felt troubled, sad, and lonely.

Black was a great definition for nothingness.

Yes. I felt black.

Hold on!

What’s that?

No, black can’t do. Black is beauty, because black is all colors.

Black embraces and absorbs it all. Black is knowledge. Black is everything.

Then, it’s not nothing?

No, indeed, it is not.

Can I do gray? It is neutral, after all. Is it not?

Gray is the child of black and white, why would you want to be that?

Because I don’t fit, I’d say.

I want to be the color that says nothing of me.

So, then, I tried on blue. Blue… like the ocean, and the sky on a bright day.

Blue like the deep, intelligent eyes of my dear mom.

Blue like Uranus, the Honeycreeper, or a sapphire stone.

That blue? No, damn it! Those are exquisite. I am not.

Oh, I know! I’d tell myself. Brown. Surely, nobody likes brown!

Brown like the color that covers those beautiful volcanoes in Nature?

Brown like the grizzly bear? Brown, which symbolizes Earth and is so present in Nature?

That brown? Brown like a ripe coconut or delicious bread?

Forget it! I’d scream.

I gave up. Perhaps I was just a vibration, no color whatsoever, I’d tell myself.

Perhaps I just was and color was not for me or part of me.

Perhaps, I’d convince myself, I don’t need to be a color.

___

Years passed… without giving it much more thought,

I woke up one day and I realized…

I was black, and white, and blue, and brown.

I had been red when I had been in love, or angry, or spontaneous.

I had been green when I was learning, or growing, or enjoying the moment.

I had been blue when I was calm, peaceful, and nostalgic.

I had been yellow when I felt happy, giddy, and energetic.

I had been orange when I had been curious, daring, and active.

Oh… Oh… I thought. I was color. And color was me.

I then realized that beauty had always been part of me,

colors had come and gone with each experience,

and they were forever traveling with me

and would… until my last breath.