where i go to think, i go to die

heartbeats and warm tears with head in hands

i sit in this silence like a hospital waiting room

sometimes when i think about myself

it feels like someone just died

my shame is both the pit in my stomach

and the apple of my eye

i cherish it; i kiss it on the mouth like a lover

i tend to it like a beautiful flower, and i will

until the day it blossoms into something terrible

something that will eat me alive

even so, i cannot let it go

i can’t release it like a bird free flying

and i can’t let it slip too far away,

lest i forget myself

so i hold it close, hold it dear, a treasured secret

this thing that will kill me, truly, has not

i have done it; i have killed me

and shame will only consume what is left