When they say I seem Lovely.

My mind isn’t a lovely place

To walk through.

you’ll run into a wall

and then another and another

And it’ll keep getting smaller

until all you are surrounded with

Is pain so intense you question if

anything you see is actually

Real or an aspect of my reality

Because you think the pain in my mind

i made it up

Now i’m stuck like this

In my own darkness

Wondering, really

If I made it up

Each and every blow?

I orchestrated.

Each and all tragedy?

I choreographed.

From the pits of black

Where two cliffs dip,

From the giant gaps of hollowness

Where demons refuge and battle me,

they helped me make it up

All of it.

Each and every plot twist,

They were there to conjure it.

And so yes I made it up,

The pain in my mind I made it physical.

The open wounds infected,

I made them real.

I made it up.

Oh please do tell me if I made it up?

Doubt is the devil I cary,

But who made him up.

Who made them up;

The demons invisible,

Only participating

When no one is looking.

Only laughing

when no one is hearing.

I didn’t carve the holes in my mind

I didn’t invite the demons inside

They are intrusive thoughts that found residence,

Even though my mind has no vacancy,

They planted and grew and I nurtured them

Each and every one of them,

They are the evil inside that scares me,

And yet no one knows the feeling,

fighting monsters no one can see scheming,

it all makes me feel like I’m crazy,

They make me want to make it up;

They make me want to question if I made it up,

Pain so real yet I even doubt I can’t question if

I feel or don’t but who are you to tell me this,

when the pain I face alone,

Makes you think I made it up

All of it.

created characters of such viciousness.

I don’t want to but I do because all anyone wants is evidence.

How can I hurt if there is no evidence

Of harm or foul play or battles that armies have paved away,

The soul I hid is now hidden further more

But I know all you think is that I need a hug

And tell me it’ll be okay

Oh please don’t tell me everything will be okay.

You saying that will not make it okay,

How do i get to being okay?

My way isn’t the best way

To face the monster,

To cease the mayhem,

To heal the magic festering

And create a new story

Where i battle myself

for who am i

The hero or the villain

Of my origin story,

I know you don’t want to ask

But you ask for yourself anyway

how I’m doing

Oh please don’t ask me how I’m doing

My mind

isn’t the most lovely place

to blissfully go strolling…

—

They say I seem lovely

But I swear That’s not how I’m feeling.