When I Think Back,

When I think back, I feel compassion for this other me that had other perceptions.

I realize how much I've changed.

And feel very grateful for my evolvement.

I feel you,

I understand your reasons, the past that forged your thinking.

I understand what others were thinking now, it's hard to grasp each other's reasoning.

I have been there, I have been here.

I have been this one, and that one too.

I met you in French, we crossed again in Spanish, and now I am writing in English.

See, I'm like a chameleon with all these seasons.

But the best part is that I now experience the daily in complete awareness that soon I will think back on this now too.

What will I think about myself then?

Because I grow.

Because I evolve.

Because as I am part of nature and under her principles, I change.

I learn

Because for the first time in my life, I stayed enough time somewhere to see the fruits of the trees I have planted and learn from what they grow.

See myself with kind perspective and look at the reflection I saw in the mirror then the waters had calm down.

I can confess that I often felt ashamed in my life.

Starting by being embarrassed by others when I couldn't be embarrassed by my own self.

Like: MOM UGH!

When I went to primary school I was embarrassed by my vegan lunches.

At High school, I was embarrassed by the small-town social perspective I had.

I was ashamed of not being cool enough.

Then I was horrified of my forfeiture into becoming: The-coolest-girl-in-this-school-of-2000-students.

But kinda proud of it.

Then embarrassed of being kicked-out.

Then I was upset I ate too much junk food and didn't stick to the vegan lunches.

Then I ate less.

Then became upset I had wasted my precious happiness on an eating disorder.

Then confused about who I was.

I traveled a lot.

Then even more confused.

Embarrassed by at least one side of me at all times.

Uneasy about being the gringa.

I tried to fit.

Uneasy about feeling foreign at home

I tried to fit.

Uneasy about this new world I worked in.

I tried to fit.

I thought I was part of them. Until I saw a video of us once back. I did confuse interacting with interrupting.

I did lost myself trying to fit.

Ashamed I wasn't a good enough kayaker.

Later, upset I became a good kayaker for the wrong reasons.

The boys.

The world (like if they cared).

I felt it was embarrassing to have no roots anywhere.

I also felt uneasy when I had spent too much time in my home country,

missing out.

I felt ashamed I was seeking to meet my basic needs like love and belonging in things and people that merely represented them.

I can confess I am not proud of 80% of why and how and who I slept with.

I felt ashamed I had not taken enough pictures

Then I judged myself for posting too much,

attention seeker.

I judged myself hard after every breakup (What was I doing with him?)

I felt ashamed for not having said enough

For having said too much.

For regretting,

for not being present, preoccupied with shame and guilt,

or anticipation and excitation.

I was also embarrassed when I couldn't hold my laugh and spit my soup in my friend's mom's face.

But hey, I learned from that too.

I feel embarrassed I didn't speak my truth

I feel embarrassed I outshined people with my happiness

I feel judged when I wonder; when I believe; when I create.

Then I think back on times I restrained myself and say:

Maybe if you started living for yourself and enjoying the present moment for yourself, you would no longer be embarrassed by your past.

You would be able to think back on the past, to say maybe I would do it differently now. But I am not ashamed, I was learning.

Who is there to judge if I am not?

The only moments I am not embarrassed from are those when I was truly myself.

And you know, I had to be ashamed of everything single thing before I learned and evolve from them.

Actually, I dig into what I am not yet embarrassed about to find out where the urgent need for growth is.

I will probably be embarrassed by these words and their flow when I read them back tomorrow.