What's Wrong With Me?

Do I just attract the assholes?

Do they look at my scars and see

a road map of where I've been broken

and decide to break more of me?

They promise they'd never hurt me...

They swear that they come to defend...

Is protection a face full of screaming

in a corner where that safety ends?

I cover my ears and I sink down

begging you, please... stop the noise

If this is the shape of your 'loving'

I'd rather be left without choice

You tell me the things you adore

till I step on your invisible wire

one wrong look and the love turns to dust

suddenly, I'm the bitch and the liar

Is love promising you'll never leave

then flipping me off as you drive?

Peeling out of the driveway in rage

leaving tires (and me) barely alive

Is love just the promise of changing

wrapped up in a mouth full of hate?

What is it about my own face

that says I can carry that weight?

Do I look strong to you?

Cuz I am barely hanging on...

Some days, I want to take the pills...

And never wake up... just be gone.

Some days I want the bath water

to rise up over my chest

to slip beneath all those bubbles

and finally just find some rest

And if I say this out loud...

then, you know... it's for the lime light.

I'm just desperate for the attention

I'm just looking for a fight...

Because I know that I am beautiful...

(but I feel like a monster inside)

I know that I'm so talented

(but I want all my creations to hide)

And I know I'm such a good mother

(but I'm failing them every day)

and of course, I know I'm capable

So... then... why do I feel this way?

What's wrong with me? Am I the narcissist?

I fucking hate that word...

Am I the one whose acting cold

for just wanting to be heard?

Am I crazy for naming the pattern?

For bringing up what you just said?

Is the past really just sixty seconds ago?

Is everything all in my head?

Am I too sensitive? Too violent?

Am I insane? Bipolar? Sick?

Is it just running through my blood line

An inherited, twisted trick?

But if it's me...

Why am I the one picking up pieces

while you get to turn and run?

Choking on smoke from the fire

Shot down by bullets of your gun

Why am I falling completely apart

while you ask about jackrabbits, calm?

Why must I make polite small talk

after you dropped yet another bomb?

Why do your cruelties vanish

the moment you're tired of sound?

Why do you echo my heart breaks back at me

until I'm buried under the ground?

Yeah... that's it, I'm just crazy

I'm batshit. Mental. Deranged.

For allowing it all to continue

based on the empty promise of change