What should I wear?

I stand in front of my mirror

trying to avoid eye contact with myself.

I see my brown skin and black hair

and I remember the moments where I wished they weren’t.

Today I feel pain.

I’ve been absorbing the emotions of my students,

As I explain the realities of our world.

Sometimes

I’m overwhelmed

and would rather

feel nothing

instead of everything.

Maybe this black sweater?

That way I can disappear.

Wouldn’t my life be easier If I wore black?

If my childhood school lunches that I packed in old sour cream containers weren't white rice.

If bright colors didn’t spill out,

when I forgot to keep them neatly tucked away.

So I take a sip of my black coffee and breathe

Maybe I should wear these orange socks?

My fathers favorite color was orange.

He’d wear an orange polo on special days

When he left us, that color reminded me of pain.

Today, I’ll wear orange because it makes me remember those special moments with papa.

These gold earrings

cast against my brown skin and black hair

catch the light in a way that brings me joy

These blue jeans don’t seem to fit.

Why did I eat that? I should just stop eating.

Don’t you want to be beautiful.

But Mama made my favorite last night

It was also my grandmother's favorite.

That’s something we had in common.

So I take another breath

jump to put my jeans on

and feel the pain and joy of being a queen

I stand in front of my mirror

Now fully clothed

Black sweater

Orange socks

Gold Earrings

Blue jeans

Black hair and Brown skin

I look into my own eyes and I still feel pain.

I also feel

joyful

courageous

resilient

creative

and sometimes beautiful

If you or anyone you know is experiencing issues with mental health or are considering suicide, know that you are not alone. The Trevor Project is an organization that provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ+ youth. Call or text 866-488-7386 at any time to seek support.