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What It Feels Like

to have depression

By Bugsy WattsPublished 11 months ago 4 min read
5
What It Feels Like
Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash

Dear loved ones,

I've never had the words

when you asked me to my face

always feeling the sick burning

of my shame and deep disgrace.

But what I lack in verbal tellings

I recover in written expression,

So I'll attempt to elucidate

what it's like to have depression.

*

Depression doesn't discriminate

this phrase, though seemingly kind,

is simply the true notion

that it plays with anyone's mind.

And I am no exception for

it has haunted me nearly ten years,

followed me to new cities

driving me often to wretched tears.

*

It was quiet at first

maybe 'cuz I'm quiet too,

so sinister it crept inside

sometimes, perilous, broke through,

my face planes carefully composed

hoping against hope

that nobody knows, and if they did,

would they even know what to do?

*

Depression changes the passing of time

makes it hard to move in step

with the bold, the brave, the magnificent,

the dreamers, the ones with pep.

Like wading in a rushing river

or tying cinderblocks to your feet

everything just gets harder

and nothing tastes as sweet.

*

Every time I've tried to voice

just what it feels like in my core,

I return to story-telling

and must grasp for metaphor.

The images most intelligible

are the ones I cannot quit;

the anguish and deep longing

are like falling into a pit.

*

Not noticing it's presence

as I strolled along my way

and tumbling deep into its depths

on a cold September day,

where my system was shocked by the suddenness

and the distance could not bridge my outcry

where I lay on dirt, rocks, and naked roots

gazing at all the passersby.

*

How could no one notice

the dark hole into which I fell?

Or that I had simply disappeared

and my body was only a shell?

I blamed them all at the start

for looking everywhere but down here,

where I was waiting for a rope ladder

or someone to incline their ear.

*

The skies stayed blue, filled with fluffy clouds

I observed it wistfully,

wishing I could enjoy its beauty or else

turn black and rain down on me.

And I stayed there awhile, eyes fixed on the sky

there wasn't much else to do,

I waited and wallowed and wished with fervour

to be forced into a different worldview.

*

Maybe it happens at the edge of starvation

the body begs to cling desperately to life,

all I know is something caused me to move

and, for a moment, forget my strife.

I don't recall the strength mustered

to scale sodden walls

but I moved one inch at a time

muttering, "please don't fall."

*

Rising slowly, the smell shifted

in the air all around

and relief flooded the edges of being

as my knees hit solid ground.

Up here, I never noticed

the view extended past what I could see,

I had ample space to easily breathe

and the sun shone life into me.

*

So, the worst must be over...

*

I imagined the darkness would pass

if I permitted just a little time,

I could hold out for some days, maybe weeks,

even months, telling stories, making rhymes.

But the darkness had other plans

for how long it wished to stay,

it settled on the living room couch

and told me I was in the way.

*

It has followed me all this time

believe me, I didn't ask for this,

it transforms itself to suit my fears

whether, monsters or snakes that hiss.

And it's quiet like me

if it wants to be,

So I learned how to be a little loud.

*

The path to healing is just as bumpy

as the road I staggered down,

but the little efforts matter tenfold

if I can learn not to drown.

Each time I utter the weighty words

"Actually, I'm not okay,"

I feel the white-knuckled hold of depression

being forced to relent and give way.

*

Now I don't expect you to understand

how to help with this dark experience,

all I ask is you listen well

without judgement or pretence.

I am healing, I promise you

this darkness, one day, will end,

for now, all you have to do

with depression, is never pretend.

*

I will be okay.

Love,

Me

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5

About the Creator

Bugsy Watts

Got bit by the writing bug.

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bugsywattspoetry/

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Comments (3)

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  • Naveedkk 9 months ago

    You have a real talent for writing.

  • Salomé Saffiri11 months ago

    you are kintsugi.

  • Paul Stewart11 months ago

    This is outstanding! I love how you perfectly describe what it's like - the despair and frustration. Beautifully written with so much honesty!

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