Dear loved ones,
I've never had the words
when you asked me to my face
always feeling the sick burning
of my shame and deep disgrace.
But what I lack in verbal tellings
I recover in written expression,
So I'll attempt to elucidate
what it's like to have depression.
*
Depression doesn't discriminate
this phrase, though seemingly kind,
is simply the true notion
that it plays with anyone's mind.
And I am no exception for
it has haunted me nearly ten years,
followed me to new cities
driving me often to wretched tears.
*
It was quiet at first
maybe 'cuz I'm quiet too,
so sinister it crept inside
sometimes, perilous, broke through,
my face planes carefully composed
hoping against hope
that nobody knows, and if they did,
would they even know what to do?
*
Depression changes the passing of time
makes it hard to move in step
with the bold, the brave, the magnificent,
the dreamers, the ones with pep.
Like wading in a rushing river
or tying cinderblocks to your feet
everything just gets harder
and nothing tastes as sweet.
*
Every time I've tried to voice
just what it feels like in my core,
I return to story-telling
and must grasp for metaphor.
The images most intelligible
are the ones I cannot quit;
the anguish and deep longing
are like falling into a pit.
*
Not noticing it's presence
as I strolled along my way
and tumbling deep into its depths
on a cold September day,
where my system was shocked by the suddenness
and the distance could not bridge my outcry
where I lay on dirt, rocks, and naked roots
gazing at all the passersby.
*
How could no one notice
the dark hole into which I fell?
Or that I had simply disappeared
and my body was only a shell?
I blamed them all at the start
for looking everywhere but down here,
where I was waiting for a rope ladder
or someone to incline their ear.
*
The skies stayed blue, filled with fluffy clouds
I observed it wistfully,
wishing I could enjoy its beauty or else
turn black and rain down on me.
And I stayed there awhile, eyes fixed on the sky
there wasn't much else to do,
I waited and wallowed and wished with fervour
to be forced into a different worldview.
*
Maybe it happens at the edge of starvation
the body begs to cling desperately to life,
all I know is something caused me to move
and, for a moment, forget my strife.
I don't recall the strength mustered
to scale sodden walls
but I moved one inch at a time
muttering, "please don't fall."
*
Rising slowly, the smell shifted
in the air all around
and relief flooded the edges of being
as my knees hit solid ground.
Up here, I never noticed
the view extended past what I could see,
I had ample space to easily breathe
and the sun shone life into me.
*
So, the worst must be over...
*
I imagined the darkness would pass
if I permitted just a little time,
I could hold out for some days, maybe weeks,
even months, telling stories, making rhymes.
But the darkness had other plans
for how long it wished to stay,
it settled on the living room couch
and told me I was in the way.
*
It has followed me all this time
believe me, I didn't ask for this,
it transforms itself to suit my fears
whether, monsters or snakes that hiss.
And it's quiet like me
if it wants to be,
So I learned how to be a little loud.
*
The path to healing is just as bumpy
as the road I staggered down,
but the little efforts matter tenfold
if I can learn not to drown.
Each time I utter the weighty words
"Actually, I'm not okay,"
I feel the white-knuckled hold of depression
being forced to relent and give way.
*
Now I don't expect you to understand
how to help with this dark experience,
all I ask is you listen well
without judgement or pretence.
I am healing, I promise you
this darkness, one day, will end,
for now, all you have to do
with depression, is never pretend.
*
I will be okay.
Love,
Me
About the Creator
Bugsy Watts
Got bit by the writing bug.
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bugsywattspoetry/
Comments (3)
You have a real talent for writing.
you are kintsugi.
This is outstanding! I love how you perfectly describe what it's like - the despair and frustration. Beautifully written with so much honesty!