what if?

I woke up.

From a nightmare.

It was dark. No sun. No moon. Just dark.

I began to worry.

I started to get all up in my head.

Then, I thought I was dying.

I couldn't stop.

It all felt out of my control.

I got scared. Really scared. Unhinged.

Sweating profusely. Unable to catch my breath.

I didn't know what to do.

Fuck.

So, I decided to ask a 'what if' question,

in the hopes it would shift the vibes.

"What if my freedom depends upon another’s enslavement,

am I still free?"

Nothing. No resolution. No stopping of the fear.

So, I asked another.

"What if the inmate on death row,

the poverty-stricken Rwandan teenager,

the Cambodian girl sold as a sex slave,

or the starving factory worker in Bangladesh,

could change places with me

believing I had greater freedom than they;

would they do it?"

Still the fear kept swirling.

So again, I asked a what if.

"What if freedom is measured in absolutes,

not degrees?"

More fear. More asking.

"What if freedom is our birthright,

not something that can be given, earned, or taken?"

The fear squeezed tighter and laughed.

My god, please make it stop. It laughed harder.

So, I asked again, this time it felt more like a prayer than a question.

"What if we, as mammals,

dependent upon the sun, water, soil, and air

for our very existence;

are we ever truly free?"

I sensed a subtle shift. A letting go perhaps.

Again, I asked.

"What if freedom is ultimately an illusion,

and as a human, as a two-legged,

I possess no more freedom

than the bee, lion, dolphin, or tree?"

The fear started to evaporate.

I asked, once more.

"What if control itself is an illusion?"

Finally, almost miraculously, I could breathe again.

My heart stopped racing.

The moment, and I, felt immeasurable.

And, for that, I was immensely grateful.

As I laid there staring into the darkness,

I thought;

"Life is such a blessing,

even,

and perhaps most especially,

when it feels like it’s about to end."