We were not okay

We were not okay when we left for Texas,

But once again we put our problems aside,

out of the convenance of our relationship,

I needed a break from everything,

I think part of that meant, a break from you too,

But I kept hoping it would get better,

we would get better,

that your hometown would provide me with a piece of you,

That I didn't have before,

Instead, I felt something else in my core,

I felt an absence,

of what I wanted, what I desire,

With a hole of it not being there,

intermixed with complex differences,

I don't believe we can fix,

It gapes in a part of me you can't fill,

no matter how wonderful you are to me,

or how you have qualities I have always dreamed,

something is missing,

Something where your family ties,

strained the way I saw us,

In a way where all of our problems,

have risen to the surface,

Where our past will not be erased,

but our future isn't to be seen the same,

Where I accepted a part of me, I have been ignoring,

The past few weeks I have seen you,

Seen you put your needs aside to hold onto me tighter,

seen you wanting to give me the space I desire,

But wishing I was calling you because you make my day better,

instead, I have been withdrawing,

Calling out of obligation,

Limiting facetimes to avoid my feelings showing,

While you are adding I love you into every ending,

I question what texts are worth sending,

without leading you on,

Because a piece of my heart with us is gone,

I no longer see a future with you,

I think a part of me always knew,

this to be true,

This didn't come out of the blue,

it is something that grew overtime,

loving you was not blind,

But I don't know how to prolong being kind,

When to you, I don't see you as mine.