Vastness of Blue

The ocean swells around me

Threatening to sweep me away

Yet promising to save me at the same time

It’s mysterious essence

Surrounds me

Sucking my soul from my bones

Cradling me for miles and miles

Through the waves and tides

The bright azure sky above me

Blends seamlessly into this deep dark blue of the ocean

That I am floating on

It is the color of your eyes

And it swallows me whole

It is everywhere.

It is everywhere.

It is everywhere.

I am nothing more than

The tiny dark pupil in the vast blueness of your eyes

Trying to survive in this

Ocean that has always beckoned me

Called out to me to

Fall deep into you and your love

Reaching out to bring me to you and to my home

You were always here to save me

When I thought I would surely drown

In the truth of you

In the beauty of you

And now I only want to drown in you again

Like I did when you were alive

When there were no boundaries

Called life and death between us

I was you.

You were me.

We were one and the same.

But now there is only blue

The never fucking ending blue of nothingness

I am lying in the white cotton nightgown

That was your favorite

You found the innocence and simplicity to be alluring

And it made you feel protective and amorous

As you wrapped your arms around me

Deep at night

I have accidentally

Or maybe, on purpose, let this canoe float

Too far out into this wet abyss of blue

I tossed the oars overboard hours ago

Fooling myself into thinking my faith will save me

That your love will come through for me

Will it? Will you be here for me again?

It is so very dangerous out here

As the waves toss me up and down in this fragile

Leaf like birch vessel

Floating precariously on the top of the water

The sun reddens and blisters my pale skin

And my tears start to fall

And my sobs turn into keens of agony

Welling within me

This endless grief just will not stop

And I don’t know

I just don’t know what I am supposed to do

Tell me what the fuck am I supposed to do?

I need your guidance now more than ever

But I only hear the water splashing against the

Wooden sides of this canoe

I need your love now

I need your strength

Please God, or someone, tell me what to do

The ocean swells around me

Threatening to sweep me away

Yet promising to save me at the same time

It’s mysterious essence

Drawing me into the vast blue of nothingness

The blue of your eyes.

Help me.

-Julie O’Hara 2023