Unthinkable
You never know what you're capable of..
A night of nights. There was nothing to dispel the notion that the tension ran amok in the atmosphere. Chemistry is not a stable element, but it is quite powerful I’ve seen it myself. It orchestrates the push and pull of the vibrations within proximity, even breaking through the boundaries of distance. It is a force of gravity between vessels, it is a magnetic field that excites the social molecules in the air. It is a twinkle of the eye, it is a gentle embrace, a warm smile, a linger. All the unspeakables coming together, firing off emotional bids, feeding off of attention, affirmation, and affection.
This night of nights personified the unspeakables. It gave them life, breath, hands and feet to walk and talk with you and I. It fed off the bread of quality time, and it drank from the breast milk of intimate exchange. The evening star beamed where the hands met, giving no space for shadows, no hiding for dark dwellers…no secrets, no coverings.
There’s something about things going unplanned. One thing leading to the next. No one thing could’ve prevented the following, for the mere presence initiated the inevitable. That’s scary. There was no secret art of mindfulness that seemingly could’ve combatted with the element of “chemistry.” What motivated this string of events I ask? On any given night of the year, for anyone in my position I would’ve encouraged them to keep their composure and be careful not to give off the wrong signals…. Wrong signals? Was I giving off the wrong signals?
Not entirely lol as I turn back the hands of time, I think what made this a night of nights was that I was more sober than I thought. I was in my right mind. There were spirits involved, but not so much that I couldn’t control the signals I was delivering very meticulously. I remember thinking in my mind, I see you every day and don’t think nothing of it, but tonight u look different. Then it came to me. Whatever you resist, will persist. The harder you fight something, the stronger the backlash. That night the backlash was overwhelming, and I was more vulnerable than I’ve been in a long time. I felt no resistance to the lust that came over my flesh, and for a moment…I saw just what I was capable of. How weak I could become.
What made this a night of nights was that I remember trying to escape reality for just a moment and making a formal invitation. I tried to keep that whole night wrapped up in a box and stored away in limbo. Everything after tonight, will be forgotten and no one will ever know. Not once did I consider that chemistry does not give respect to the entity of time, nor does it wither overnight. The morning after was not much easier, nor were the hours that followed. I could never have anticipated that my body would respond so heavily to the moments that were relived in my mind.
And so…now I must deal with the consequences of my decisions, I must live out my advice that so carefully and passionately delivered to my brothers. I must make the hard decision. I see now that it is far from easy. I see now that the lust of the flesh is a weapon of destruction. I see now that it feels so good. I see now that even when we hold ourselves to the highest standard, we are still capable of doing the unthinkable. I think that is what scares me most, and not long after I’ll find myself wanting more with no resistance. What also scares me is myself.
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