unsleeping

i. it isn't the type of fatigue that can be cured with rest,

but a perpetual fog that could suffocate me at any moment.

i wish there was a place i could escape life for a while:

(somewhere only i know)

where i could exist without worry of money or politics or hatred

or identity -

sometimes life is too heavy -

sometimes it feels as though i'm being crushed by the weight of it.

ii. i often wonder what happened to the world -

when humanity began to unravel

into hatred + violence -

when the handmaid's tale became a manual

for real life -

when i became so hated for existing

[but existing was always gruelling + it only gets harder with age]

iii. the problem with humans is that most don't care about others

i am not an egoist

but i fear i must become one to survive.

the problem with life is that it never stops - and i walk around

in a fog, participating as though

i am controlled by someone else.

(sometimes i wonder

if other people feel like aliens too:

programmed to go through the motions of everyday life -

but never truly feeling).

iv. sometimes i wonder if it’s possible to feel

anything at all. human expression is overbearing:

crippling us to the floor,

but i feel nothing when the world implodes.

i fear :

for other people's futures + my own.

i cower :

for i am too much of a coward to speak the truth.

growing up is learning the monsters aren't under your bed -

they're inside your head

or in the news

or down the street.

i'm tired, but i can't ever sleep

v. the saddest thing about kindness is that it earns a reward.

some humans live life with so much anger :

hating those who are different,

hating themselves the most.

sometimes it's easy to get caught up

in what should have been said.

(i'm too busy mourning a childhood that never was).

i sit in a silent room, but it's never silent in my head