Unbinding

She’s here

I know she’s here as I move from room to room

navigating furniture in the dark

my home drowning in a cavern of mixed signals

My mind connects the gripping, fearful sensation in my gut

to the smell of burning cigarettes long gone; a dead ashtray

The tip of a red cherry bobbing about as if waving hello

It's not a greeting of comfort

I’m paralyzed

My bare feet stuck to the ground as if I’m standing in a murky lake with sandmud for a bottom

Go Away

Leave me

A vice constricts my ribs

Disappear

Followed by her clawing at my throat with the sharp talons of a harpy

But this time I refuse

I don’t need words

She can feel my emotions

And she hates them

She can hear my thoughts

And she despises autonomy

She can smell my fear

And she smiles

Still, I turn to face her, a silhouette in the dark that doesn’t exist

I’m sure my skin under her nails disgusts her

She, a ghost of a mummy of a mother I never had

Never held

Never held me

It doesn’t fucking matter

I scream

Because the lack hurts more than the fear

I tear at my own throat, crying now

An act, she would say, if she could speak into my mind

But I deny her entry

And I know this will bring memory instead

Flashes so fast and vibrant

I’m whiplashed

I am 4

I am 10

I’m a child crouching in the corner, flinching

I am 22

I am 29

I am a fighter

I am a warrior

YOU ARE DEAD

I scream with clenched fists, tears cascading down my cheeks, body braced for the attack that is sure to come from behind

The echo reverberating into my eardrums threatens to drown me out

And yet there is only stillness

And me

Breathing

YOU ARE DEAD

I scream again

The phrase is becoming more than a declaration

Because it’s the truth

I stretch all ten fingers out slowly and retract. Stretch. Retract.

I move my left foot, picking up its toes, keeping my weight on my heel

And I swivel ever so quietly while absorbing the darkness into my skin

Turning it into light

I am a warrior

You Are Dead

I say a third time, to both her and me

The room softens

The glow of my body touches everything with a soft golden hue

The sun is rising, and so I am

And the statement becomes my mantra, a sankalpa

A truth that my body, mind, and spirit can finally grasp

She can’t violate my space uninvited any longer

I am safe

I might need help

But in this moment

I am safe