Tuesday, at the Bookstore

I saw a man today

Ron

I hired him

as a (retired)

bookseller

at Barnes and Noble

around the year

two thousand

and

fifteen

He had worked for the government

and lived in

Greece

he had a wife

(Mary)

who would give him a hard time

about the trains

he collected

I was his boss

and he was kind

and gentle

and listened to me

when I talked about the

man I loved

who called me a crazy

stupid

cunt

and when I dropped keys

or money

and got written up for

foolishness

or carelessness

he helped me believe

it wasn’t true

what all those men

said

about me

I quit

that job

calling my boss

from the parking lot

and telling him

he had

won

I could not go

inside

I had just discovered

drinking

made all the voices

go

quiet

this boss had called me

around

Thanksgiving

and asked

when I would

quit

and spare them

all the trouble

of having to

fire

me

my mental health

was becoming

a liability

and in truth

no one wanted to

hear

any more

stories

about the men

I let

lay hands

or words

on me

I met with Ron

and Mary

after

for a while

getting tea

or

coffee

and he told me

I was one of the best

managers

he had ever had

and that I knew how to

communicate

and write

and cared

deeply

about people

and I don’t think

he was saying that

just to balm

my

wounds

make me feel better

for losing

my career

or to try and keep

me

alive

I think he saw a

version of me

I didn’t know

how to

see

just

then

I saw him

today

at Barnes and Noble

he was talking to

Jenn

but I avoid

Jenn

in that polite

Midwestern

way

because she hated how

much I talked

about

men-

boys

really, at that time in life

and when Stacey

said

I was trying to sell

more than just

books

in that pencil skirt

I think

Jenn

agreed

I should maybe have apologized

explained

how lost I was

in the Barnes and

Noble

days

and that I was raised

with my self-worth

as thin as my waist

tucked into a man’s

back

pocket

but

it is easier

to stop buying books

than it is

to face

my past

so

when Ron parted

ways

and I realized it was

him
I jumped out of my car

and ran

saying Ron

it is
Cali

and he said

Oh I think

that

it is

and he said he is old

and falling apart

and he asked

are you well

and I said that I

am

but his face never

showed

recognition

and I do not

know

if he

remembers me

maybe it is age

or maybe it is that

I did not stay in touch

or maybe it is

the fact

that believing in me

is too difficult

and it is easier to think

I have gone, and I am

well

well,

I am.