Triggers

Everything's a trigger.

Every noise.
Every voice.

The yelling takes control
and makes me feel
out of place,
out of body,

unsafe
in this space.

A loud bang.
Something thrown.

I get lost
in the unknown
of what the future holds,

because I'm afraid.

Scared
of being driven away.

And every day,
something new frightens me.

Something new reminds me
of all the pain,
all the torment
I've gone through in life.

From a young, young child
with parents who didn't care,

to an adult
used
and abused.

I feel taken control of,
thrown away,

forced to live
another day
in sadness,
depression,
despair.

But I know

there is happiness
out there.

I feel it
every once in a while…

in between the triggers,

in between
the moments of anxiety,

in between
the tears
that fall down my cheeks,

in between
the moments
where I feel
at my most weak.

I just want
a day
where I can smile

and not feel
like the world
is out to get me,

like someone
is against me.

I just want to find

happiness,

comfort,

hope

again.

Someday,
I know I'll win…

but will it be
in this lifetime

or the next?