To Someone Lost

Hello Dad,

All letters like this are supposed to start with, I miss you.

And I do.

And I have, every day since you left.

.

But missing you is such a small part of how I feel.

Of what I think when I go through life, still turning

to one side, still expecting to see you there -

but you’re not. You haven’t been for so long,

that I wonder sometimes if you ever were.

.

We didn’t talk much back then. You were mostly quiet.

I was mostly unsure.

You were haunted by your past.

I was haunted by my future.

You were pained by your heart, something I would only

learn about much later. I wish you would have told me.

.

That you couldn’t run like other dads. That you got tired

and needed your weekends to rest and recover.

That you feared the end much sooner than you should have.

.

I would have understood. I would have listened.

I would still have loved you.

But we loved quietly, isn’t that right, Dad? You off

reading a book. Me outside alone playing catch

by myself.

.

You visiting a friend. Me off riding my bike alone,

creating great stories in my head about who I was

and where I was going.

.

Always in my head, Dad. Always playing games alone.

.

And when you died. When that man tried over and

over to bring you back to life, I did see all of mine rushing

before my eyes. And it was mostly lonely, Dad. Empty

days without you there to watch me grow into something

you’d be proud of.

.

Lots of days, Dad have passed. So many days and all of them

Without you. That you were in my heart the whole time -

never enough, no matter what people say.

.

I needed you near. Needed your voice whispering in my

ear that things would be okay. That the hardships would pass.

That the lonely nights would soon end.

.

Funny how just a few words would have

made all the difference. Your words, Dad.

.

All letters like this are supposed to be uplifting

as I tell you my secrets and you listen intently.

But I don’t have many secrets, Dad, not really.

Been an open book most of my life.

A simple tale of one boy becoming a man,

raising a family, doing his best.

.

And my one true secret, Dad, the one I

hold close and try not to think about too much.

Because it makes me sad or worried or both.

.

Is that I was mad at you for leaving.

.

For not saying goodbye. Not saying you loved me.

Not playing catch all those years and not telling

me why. Not explaining why, you aged so,

looking like an old man before your time. Me worrying

that it was me or us or just life that troubled you so.

.

You see secrets are bad things, Dad, especially when

they’re kept from children because children

see everything. Just like I did.

.

But there it is. A secret no more.

.

I’ve missed you, Dad. Missed your touch, the stubble

on your chin, the smell of Old Spice, and your laugh.

Your absence most of all and the empty space

I would always lean into, instead of your shoulder,

when I felt alone.

.

I hope you’re happy, Dad, I really do.

Hope you started again. Found love. Had another

son, played catch.

Be safe.

Love always,

Your son, Joe