This Ocean

Look deep into your innermost thoughts, past the constant affirmations and the and the peace they brought. Look past the parts you push down deep, in that sea of your mind where the Kraken does creep. Are you strong enough?

Strong enough to swim further down and to face your greatest battle, with your lungs almost full and your half-ass doggy paddle, you try to steady yourself as you feel its presence grow you want to flee but in your heart, you know... Like I know.

Like I know this is nothing new we have been here before, last time it was a mountain, was lava the time before. The scenery may change but the battle rages on as you gather all your strength, as you play your raging song. Go on.

Go on, you can do it, lock the beast back up, you can push your mind through it. Those are the thoughts that start to swell the confidence you thought you lost but this is your battle and you'll win at all costs. It's okay.

It's okay to be scared no matter how many times we both been here I'm staring at you you're staring at me as I swim in the depths of this great dark sea, your eyes piercing yellow, unflinching and unmoving, it's in this moment I feel I have the most to prove and honestly. I know I wanna hide, and even though I want to, I find it hard to try because I've been told “be strong, big boys don't cry” so I scream.

Like the fighters I looked up to, scream to let it out as I start to charge toward you. Knowing I'm underwater and my lungs are starting to fill, it doesn't stop me because this is it, now I'm going for the kill but you don't move. Those eyes still unflinching, my fist connects but oddly it's me that starts wincing. Why do I feel pain, when I attack the big bad?

Did you throw a punch I didn't see or have I simply gone mad? It takes a moment to sink in when I notice my fist in my stomach, Then I realize why you never could run from it. Because now the truth sets in fighting you solve nothing. Because the truth is you are me and you've been tryna show me something.

All the pain all the hate I tried to bottle inside, turned into fear that always made me wanna hide. It turned into cancer eating away at my life, it turned into this ocean drowning me, blurring my sight.

So I unclench my fist and instead go for a hug, because I'm starting to learn the only way to beat you is with love, love for you, love for me, we are both leaves of the same tree, and now I'm starting to realize what it is u wanted me to see. Why you never flinched why you never tried. Because I need you to be whole, and this ocean is just the tears I never got to cry.