There's a Hair in My Risotto

If you’re ever in my city,

Looking for a place to eat,

You have to go to Gino’s,

The spaghetti can’t be beat.

You must try the bruschetta,

And the cheesy rigatoni,

Or chicken parmesan,

Or pizza topped with pepperoni!

We’re eating there tonight,

“A special meal” my father said.

And we raced out to the car-

We all love Gino’s garlic bread.

We pour over the menu

Taking in each name and photo,

But I always get my regular -

A huge plate of risotto.

The waiter takes my order:

“I’ll have risotto please,

Cooked in buttery chicken broth,

And topped with parmesan cheese.”

I hope the kitchen’s hopping,

Because I can hardly wait,

And then from out the double doors

The waiter brings my plate.

I’m drooling as he sets it down

Steam rising from the dish

The creamy sauce, the savory smell,

A sprinkle of bacon – delish!

I dig right in, scoop up a bite

And what do I see there?

OMG! Vom! What the heck?!

A long, black, curly hair!

“Whose hair is this?! I stand and shout

I can’t believe my eyes.

My delicious, perfect supper

Has been unduly compromised!

It must be from the waiter,

And I give him quite the look.

“Not from me” the waiter says,

“But maybe from the cook.”

I march into the kitchen,

And give the cook a glare,

I hold up the offending strand,

“Sir, is this your hair?”

“Oh no, not mine,” the cook says,

And gives a little laugh.

And shows his smooth and shiny head,

“Perhaps one of the staff?”

“All line cooks, please remove your hats,

If you would be so kind.”

And I inspect every last one

But no curls do I find.

“If it’s not one of us,”

Says a line cook holding pie,

“Maybe the long, dark curly hair

Is from the delivery guy!”

It seems absurd to chase around

A delivery service bike

So at this point I just give up,

And eat my dinner….. PSYCH!

No way I cave that easy,

I’m chasing down the guy

Who delivers rice to Gino’s.

He may still be nearby.

But never in my life,

Have I seen hair as red as his.

“Fess up,” I say, “if it’s not yours,

Then tell me whose it is!”

“No idea, little man,

I just deliver food.

But I get my bags from Farmer Jones,

Maybe he’s your dude.”

We head up to the farmhouse

And I give the door a tap

And then I ask that Farmer Jones

Remove his John Deere cap.

“I used to have such thick dark hair,

Back in my early days.

But now I’m barely holding on

To a couple wispy grays.”

“Clearly this is not your hair,

I think it goes much higher.

Beyond the men who cut your grain,

Beyond your seed supplier.”

“I’m taking all the evidence,

Straight to the top,” I say.

“To the alphas of this food chain,

I’m talkin’ FDA.”

“Allow me, Madame Commissioner,

To present Exhibit A:

A single long black curly strand,

Found on my plate today.”

“A dinner plate is made to hold

One thing – and it’s not hair!

I beg you to investigate,

Whose it is, and how it got there.”

The commissioner huddles with her staff

Then turns to me with dread,

“I’m afraid that this whole matter

Even goes above my head.”

“We have to tell the President,

It’s important that he knows.”

“I firmly agree,” I say to her,

“Have him meet me back at Gino’s.”

I resume my seat at the table,

I hear Air Force One touch down

And in walks the President

His lips pulled in a frown.

“My fellow Americans,” he starts,

“A scandal unlike any other,

A hair in this boy’s risotto-“

“EXCUSE ME?” says my mother.

“A hair in your risotto,

Has caused this whole uproar?

Just pick it off your dinner plate

And flick it on the floor.”

“You thought this little hair,

Was too much to take? Oh no sir!

In all your years upon this earth,

I’ve seen you eat much grosser.”

“I’ve caught you eating cat food,

And many scoops of dirt,

You’ve eaten candy from the floor,

Licked old stains off your shirt.”

“You ate cake out of the trash,

I’ve seen the dog give you a kiss.

There’s no need for the President

To waste his time with this.”

“You found a hair inside your food,

It’s really no big deal.

It surely will not kill you,

Now finish up your meal.”

So I keep on eating,

And really, she is right.

The risotto is delicious

And I finish every bite.