The Woman You Turned Out To Be

You're gone.

You almost made it this time.

I'm so very sorry my friend.

Nothing for you will ever be the same.

Nor will you ever be that close again to getting away so completely.

To being called a survivor.

To being the victor and grasping the trophy that is you.

Instead, you are reminded constantly of the choices you made.

Choices that put you where you are today.

Your once happy heart is now filled with sorrow and gloom.

And as the years roll by and you find yourself older, your children older, your family older; you will one day look into the mirror and see a reflection of someone that you no longer recognize.

You hardly even recognize her now, imagine then.

You feel as though what's left is the shell of who was once you.

Nothing will be left then.

Her eyes will hide your soul.

And no longer looking back is the beautiful, confident girl you chose to quiet.

The girl you placed your hand over her mouth; preventing her from stating her mind.

The girl you prevented from growing.

The person you shut down.

You gave yourself away to him, sold your soul to him.

And all at once, the last decade will hit you so hard you'll be weak in the knees.

Gripping the bathroom sink so you don't slip and fall.

Voices in your head of "I told you so"s will echo throughout your body.

The nausea will be next. Knowing people that warned you, were right.

Friends that tried to save you that failed are long gone.

No one checks on you anymore.

No one calls anymore.

He made sure of that.

He made sure you never needed anyone other than him.

Your loved ones that really care avoid him, therefore avoiding you too.

Now you must face this demon alone.

You must find the strength to muster up the smile he requires.

You have learned to swallow your voice as well as your confidence and pride.

Did you sincerely think we all could have lied?

I knew you then, the once was, the what could have beens.

Years and years that have been wasted that you will never recover.

The realization of this over comes you as you now reflect on your children.

As you now fall to your knees.

You clutch your stomach and your heart rips to pieces thinking about these children that had to learn on their own. That had to survive without their mother.

Something you swore to God you could never do.

You would never do.

And shamefully looking back you think what have I done?

Something's in life can not be reversed or rearranged.

But many things could have been prevented.

The knowledge of this you will carry as well.

They were made to carry this pain in their souls for such a long time.

You close your eyes while your reflection stares back at you.

And you begin to cry.

And you cry for the first time as a woman does.

Not like a little girl anymore desperate to get what she wants.

But you sob as a woman deeply into your hands.

With tear stained cheeks you straighten yourself up and force yourself to look in the mirror.

This is especially hard because the woman that was once so proud has become someone you have grown to truly despise.

Almost as much as you despise him.

And your eyes look different to you now.

Then you hear his voice.

Your heartbeat quickens.

You quicky wipe away your tears.

Your reflection fades back.

You find your voice and push out the smile that he requires.

And you go to him.

The man you sold your soul to.

The price you paid of your children, your life, your family, your friends.

Repeating words that have been carved into your life.

Words you never imagined you would ever say.

Words that betray the woman that you were raised to be.

You swore you'd never be the woman you turned out to be.