The Unfathomable Fear

Writing is the strangest occupation.

It has only been a few months now that I have been able to share that I am a writer. This comes out sort of a meek confession at times and at others a testament that I am not an impostor. I often stumble with my own words rushing out that I have a daytime " real job". Then I catch myself and know that my own brain and body are listening.

Today in my day job I had a conversation with a writer who gave some good advice " just write writing anything is slow and a word at a time and things build. Become inspired and share your life, thoughts and experiences with the world. Share your creativity. " This was good advice and I had to digest it. This was a very wise and humble man that shared these words with me.

Reflecting later I pondered my unfathomable fear is getting lost in the work and the life and not wanting to return to the daytime job. This is cognitive distortions maybe and perhaps not. Maybe this is insight and an inner glimpse at some insight that writing is my true calling and not that the other work is less than it is just simply that writing is soul lifting. This soul lifting is incredible and heart wrenching at the same time. The writing breaks me open and leaves me feeling calm and soothed even at the worst of times. Let's face it right now in the world feels like the worst of times. The fear is getting worse I fear. The fear of coming into my own yet having to do the responsible and respectable job that I have created. A fear so great that it has a heaviness that sometimes sneaks up and takes my breathe away.

How do I face this unfathomable fear? The fear of getting lost in the creative work and not wanting to come back down? I am not sure yet. I am still exploring. Writing and creative work has always been an experience that transcends the ordinary and transports me. Something that I could not give up. The process is medicinal in nature and a healing balm when my heartaches and my spirit is in the dumps.

Having multiple projects and pieces on the go is my norm. I really didn't set out to make a living out of it and when I do it is a bonus. The real gift is how it makes me feel. This really all started with other creative experiences and magical moments that inspire. Reading, art, music and exquisite life experiences both happy and sad have influenced. The range of emotions that humans feel needs to be expressed and I have felt it all. When those feelings get to be too much writing is also a retreat and a solace.

I have two novels on the go at the moment. How does this happen I am not sure but I kind of feel the pull and still overwhelmed. How will I write not only one novel but two simultaneously ? One chapter at a time of course.

Since writing feels indulgent I am allowing myself long periods of time to the craft without guilt. Afterall why should I feel guilt for writing? Possibly because I enjoy it so much. Again this is more distorted thinking because often we think work needs to be things we don't enjoy and things that are boring or difficult.

Right now my focus isn't even finishing it is enjoying the process. Dressing the table, lighting the candles and putting my lipstick on all help. I am a romantic at heart.

Over coming the fear just might be dipping my toes in the icy chill of the unknown waters daily. I am not sure really all I know is that there is no turning back now. The unknown product of my creativity sends a shiver and still I write,

Here we go!