The Previews of Grief

When Addiction Takes Over.

We don’t always get to choose the environments that shape our youth, nor do we get to choose the battles our parents fight. For a long time, my world was defined by a quiet, heavy conflict that I couldn't fix, no matter how much I struggled . No matter how much I cared. No matter how much I wished everything would ultimately be fixed and life would b back to normal. Growing up, I had to watch my dad fall apart with a severe, destructive drug addiction. It is a devastating thing to love someone completely, to want nothing more than to reach out and hold them, but to watch them systematically pull themselves into an abyss.

I never really understood his choice to through everything away for hard drugs. His wife, his health, his daughters, his mind. That is, until he was already gone. Looking back I wish I knew of that guilt that encumbered him so. Maybe, just maybe I could have told him that it was all an accident. It wasn't all his fault. Maybe I could have saved him, and then saved myself the many years of poor mental health, instability and my own feelings of doubt.

When my dad was 18, he had a great life to look forward to. Everything was coming together in a neat little package. He just graduated with honors, and was about to start a new college life in law school. However, one night changed everything.

He was in a celebratory mood. Excited for his new endeavors. He had a few drinks and hopped in his vehicle with his best friend, who was also his uncle. They were both graduating together, amd decided to have a night to let loose. My dad got into a bad accident. His head got stuck in the stirring wheel, and he ended up comatose. When he woke in the hospital his first words were in a complete panic.

"Where's John, Where's John!?"

John was his Uncle, his best friend, his passenger. Unfortunately John didn't make it.

My dad had some severe head trauma, and had to wear diapers for a while and relearn how to walk. I didn't even know this had happened to him until my Oma told me, after he had passed from a heart attack.

Imagine that of you will. Just try and put yourself in that position. I can only imagine the guilt my father had carried on his back like a boulder.

My dad wasn't always on drugs. There was a point where he was a great father, and the first man I have came to love. He was never really a drinker either. Not before the drugs or during. He would crack a few cold ones once in a blue moon, but never really got drunk. He always had me hold his thumb when we crossed the street, as he had large hands. Often he asked me to tag along when he went to garage sales, or made deliveries for his work. He would read stories to me, amd had always encouraged reading as a hobbie - as did my mom. One time we went to a pawn shop, and little 6 year old me saw this electric organ. It was hard to peel me away, even though I had no idea how to play, and probably did not sound that great. The next day I came home from school to find the organ in my bedroom. My dad also had an appreciation for music, and maybe he saw something in me. Or maybe it was his way of encouraging me to have a talent.

I learned how to read music in school, and had gotten some sheet music. I wrote on the keys with felt marker, and taught myself how to play. I'm not saying I was a prodigy or anything, as I could only play woth one hand. However I gained an ear for music and learned how to play "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. Well it at least sounded like the song. I really impressed some folks. Things started to go rough around 1997, when my Opa( my dad's dad) was diagnosed with lung cancer.

Something clicked, amd it was something horrible. My Opa didn't have much longer to live, his name was also John. My Opa passed and that's when the drug problems started. Okay my dad liked his Marijuana before his demise. I don't really consider that a drug though. Nor do I see it as a crutch. Many people use pot for better mental health.

It got tougher and tougher on us all. My parents would constantly fight, my game systems and furry got stolen by crack heads. There were always people getting high at our house when my mom was at work. Not a proper environment for a young girl, who eventually went through the confusing teen years of puberty,and just trying to figure yourself out. My mom eventually decided that it was time to move.

When my mom made the decision to move us from Whitecourt to Edmonton, I felt entirely unmoored. I was fifteen, dealing with intense PTSD, and suddenly dropped into a much larger city with a massive school where I didn't know a single soul. The isolation was overwhelming. In a desperate attempt to find familiarity and pieces of the life I missed, I eventually moved back in with my dad. But the reality of addiction is unforgiving. Since he was now on his own, abandoned by the ones he loved, the situation grew rapidly worse. His addiction completely had its hold on him. The environment became untenable, and for my own safety and survival, I ended up staying at a friend’s house for most of that period. I wasn't there long, maybe 6 or 7 months, but it felt like years

Leaving him was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. It was a choice between drowning in the mud alongside him or stepping back to save myself. I think, deep down, he realized that. But the guilt and the pain don't just vanish when you walk away.

About one year after I left, on Valentine’s Day, I got a phone call. My dad had suffered a fatal heart attack. According to his friend that had messaged me on Facebook many years later, the police refused to recicitate him. Just another crack fiend, just another lost cause. In that moment, when I got the call I realized I had already watched deaths prequel; his addiction had foreshadowed his final day. To cope with the crushing weight of that loss and the complex grief of what we went through, I turned to writing. At sixteen years old, I wrote this song to safely release the emotions that were tearing me apart.

The Cage You Have Made

Careless thoughts, Running through my mind. Endless emotions, That I can't rectify. Broken pieces, You left me on the floor. Please Daddy, I can't take it anymore.

It's taking you over,
You're just not the same.
It's seeping in deeper,
Each and every day.
I can see you're still here now,
But yet so far away.
Do you feel all right now,
That you're trapped within the cage,
The cage that you have made?

Things were better,
When I went away.
I didn't have to watch you,
Slowly deteriorate.
I didn't have to see you,
Kill yourself away.
(Breathing pause)
But, you just got worse,
Now that you were all alone.
[YELL] Did you ever realize [YELL]
That it's yoouuu...who,
Chased me away.
I'm sorry Daddy,
I just couldn't take it anymore.....

It has taken you over...
[WHISPER] You were no longer the same [WHISPER]
It has seeped in even deeper...
Each and every day.
I could feel you here now...
But, yet so far away.
Do you feel all right now...
That you're still trapped within the cage.....
[HIGHER] Cage [HIGHER]
That you made.

[MUSICAL SOLO]

A year has gone by.....
Since I left.
A year has gone by,
And it's Valentine's Day.
I get a phone call..
I knew...
(Soft echo) I knew (soft echo)
I knew just ...exactly.... what was coming my way.
You were gone to the world,
And I have watched death's prequel,
It has foreshadowed your last day.
I LOVE YOU DADDY,
And I can take it now.

It has taken you over,
You were no longer the same.
It's seeped in so deep now,
It has stolen you away.
I know you're not here now.....
But no longer so far away.
Do you feel all right now,
You're no longer.....
NO LONGER
Locked
In that cage. ....
That you have made.

I couldn't take it
Just couldn't take it
[WHISPER] Anymore [WHISPER]
(Repeat)

[MUSICAL SOLO - SLOW]
(Mistakes you have made in whispers in the background to the beat)

It has taken you over,
You were no longer the same.
It has seeped in so deep now,
It has stolen your soul away.
I know you're gone now,
But not so far away.
I caaan... feeell.... allriiight.....noooww. ...
That, you're....noo.... longer in that caaagge....
CAGE
The cage that you have made.

Final Thoughts

Writing this piece was my way of breaking out of my own cage of silence. It taught me that we can love people deeply while still choosing to protect our own souls from their storms. To anyone out there navigating the heavy waters of a loved one's addiction: you are allowed to breathe, you are allowed to step away, and your survival is not a betrayal.