The Phoenix

What is it like to lose yourself

by denial of change

and fear of the “without”?

Well.

It starts with a scream.

A catalytic siren wailing and decimating this state of self-delusion,

Unequivocally disproving what you thought

—Knew–

Was perpetual,

Definitive,

An All Encompassing Truth.

•

Then comes the fanatic entreatment to reality,

The pleading and spiraling and disillusionment,

Each so strong you yearnfor the heedless complacency,

The life and being which you have become so,

Contentedly,

Comfortably,

Indifferent.

•

I came out.

•

I survived.

•

That shattering loss destroyed who and what I thought I was.

Someone who fit the image I had been given,

the perfect display,

The version of my existence that others preferred

The me that stayed unseen and safe.

Invulnerable.

•

The girl I am got muddled in years of criticism and pain

and rejection piled up,

Presenting in scars,

In defense mechanisms,

In the self inflicted rejection of my own traits.

The ones the made me shine,

The ones that made me “Too much”.

•

Don’t be too loud.

Don’t be so vain.

Stop with all the emotions.

God you’re intense.

Why are you so bossy?

What an attention whore.

•

After years of begging and pleading,

Trying day in and day out to get those I adored to just love me as I am.

Allow me to be as I am.

Something inside me died.

Only the embers of my once blazing heart remaining.

•

Why are you so quiet?

It’s good you’re humble.

You’re so strong and mature.

I like how relaxed your vibe is.

I didn’t even notice you.

You were so shy.

I lost myself inside my own mind

•

When I allowed others to define what version of me was acceptable,

What parts they could standand which made them uncomfortable,

I also allowed them to pick and prod

And discard and redo,

Until the person who lived in this body then,

The beautiful loyal brilliant compassionate–Loud-bossy-intense-emotional-“too much”-girl,

Was so much of a stranger that I felt as if life were just movie,

And I was just an actor playing my part.

•

I became a customizable doll.

A toy that never had a set trait,

All my parts could be easily transformed into any and all personalities,

Now all the kids can have their personal preference—

And no one can hurt me.

•

My eyes stayed hidden behind my glasses frames,

My hair would always be down so if need be I could shield myself from eye contact,

Or worse–being seen at all.

Perfectly unnoticeable and utterly ashamed of the air that I took up,

Completely unsure anymore of what–if anything,

I personally experienced anymore.

•

But she wasn’t me.

And she isn’t you.

This person is a cocoon.

She is who you had to become just to make it through the day,

A shell crafted from years of scaring keeping your impressionable mind–

and heart,

Buried but in tact.

•

She’s your walls that shielded you from judgmental friends who make you feel lesser,

the insecure souls who tried to build themselves up by tearing others down,

And above all

from the stupid boy,

Who just didn’t know how to love yet.

•

You become content in your apathy,

Blissfully invisible,

Maybe even convinced by your own mask,

But eventually the threat will disappear, Other eras will begin,

And the shell from your youth Isn’t wired how you need to grow and protect the you who’s waking up–

The one who is aware of their existence.

To some the unveiling is natural,

A quick deep breath and back at it,

But most remain stuck in their sanctuary,

Restricting and confining your true needs, beliefs,Goals, andDesires.

Internally struggling to reopen their wings.

No longer remembering the way Back to the surface.

You are wise enough to guide your own path,

Free enough To sing on your own,

But until you see, You stay.

Until you’re embers relight.

Then the casting starts losing stretch and the walls seem to be caving in

You feel like a fraud in the eyes of those who know your soul and nothing you once found

comfort in feels,

True—

But you need to hold on

You have to hold on

This is everything you have to hol—

Love.

You’re ready.

It’s world shattering,

It breaks you open,

It’s the unknown and forced actualization and

painful evolution,

It’s the most terrifying journey

you’ve ever embarked on—

And you’re alone,

Headfirst

into the deep end.

I know you’ll want to stay in the known,

I did too.

But in the known you can’t be swept off your feet,

You can’t experience enveloping passion

Or excitement that feels of giddy electricity,

Or true enlightening fulfillment.

That comes from expansion.

Expansion of the heart,

The body,

But most notably,

Your own comprehension of

YOU.

Your cocoon may be warm, familiar, safe.

But she is not you.

You are a bright,

Vibrant,

Intricate,

Powerful,

Unimaginably profound,

Butterfly.

Spread your wings,

Don’t apologize.