The Night Under Street Lamp Lights.

I heard a change in your voice. There is something so powerful in who you are once you've reached clarity. You are bright but not blinding.

When you've finally removed the obstacles you've placed in your own way.

How You step so light and each move you make has a grace all its own.

Did time slow down as you floated around the front of the taxi?

I wonder now If you even knew how nervous I was. How my mind scrambled and my hands trembled gently as I could hear my heart beating in my own ears.

Why was I nervous like I'd never met you? Frozen As the taxi's lights drifted till the sound of its wheels blended with the rest of the city's song.

I looked at you under the street lamp lights.

At that moment I thought I was in the presence of a stranger but a stranger that I have only met in dreams. The one I know so well, am held so safe, loved bigger, harder, and deeper than any love that exists in the universe. Someone that sees me in and out knowing me better than I know or see myself.

That strange familiar person. He has no name, never wears one face, but always leaves his taste nostalgic in my waking mind. Imprinted.

I've spent almost every single day with you since December 29th, 2019. And absolutely each of them with you on my mind. But the night under street lamp lights, after some weeks separations... here you emerged.. returned to me the very place you picked me up and began our story almost a year ago. I just really don't know ..when you disappeared.

Somewhere something in those weeks' separations, restored every twinkle in your eyes I'd ever caught combined. The tone in your voice sounded so free I couldn't even recognize it was you when you stood in front of my own eyes, heard by my own ears. When I finally looked up at you, hues dimly lit from the quiet unshadowed artificial urban street lights, I had to find so much courage to look you in your eyes without blushing from embarrassment for staring too long.

And when I wrapped myself into your embrace, why did you feel so warm and welcoming. How did your skin smell so sweet that everything around me stopped for a split second.

Though yes it was you, it was more than just you. Or maybe it's just that really hiding behind your pain he was you all along.

How come I was already recklessly in love with you but fell in love with you all over again that night in an instant. In this new, scary, familiar, yet absolutely unknown way. Is it just that mirrors inside me recognize something deep within you that calls to me. Like a bird's unique song, strategically composed in a language that will be understood only by their soulmate. Traveling through lifetimes over and over, never changing the variation of its melodies. Made for each other, connected through separation. Or is that the song you play to lure me in. Am I just a moth to the flame of your devastation? Am I what you claimed to destroy?

Who are you? Who is he? And please tell me why you're so adamant about hiding, suppressing, and killing off THAT man in you. The one that I met in the beginning.. that man who met me right back at the same place almost exactly a year later.

I looked up into the eyes of the tangible, physical, living, breathing, feeling of unearthly love.

So How did I see a feeling? I've only ever felt that from those dreams of the many-faced man who always had the same warm open arms and strong gentle hands .. once I've fallen asleep.

Then this different you, that I knew but didn't know, I remembered but somehow didn't energetically recognize, touched but only felt the memory of.. was right before me at last.

But you keep taking him from me. And not just me.. you are raping the world of a person that deserves to be known and admired by everyone.

Maybe I'm selfish. But maybe so are you.

To put into perspective...

Imagine finding out you always had the mother you needed, cried for, yearned and craved .. the one you dreamt of, and knew existed; trapped behind the mother that never showed up for you, neglected your need for love, and disappointed you, simply for their own selfish reasonings, sometimes even on purpose...

Furthermore, imagine that they know how much you love them so they carry you along by breadcrumbing their love. While also being aware some of their actions could be damaging. They never understand to what extent or extremity.

They give you blips and glimpses of all you've wanted and needed the very moments before you're ready to stop believing in them. The only thing is, neither you nor they are conscious of that pattern. Just aware that there is some pattern that keeps cycling in and out in oddly synchronized orders. The more you experience it, you notice which domino causes which others to topple. You start to predict the next trigger or action, and the reactions that follow. Though they are oblivious to the damage they cause to themselves and others, and how deep those tears run, so instead of trying to see that in truth they are always the ones that knock over the first domino, to cope they place blame on all others. Especially the ones they say they love most.

Now can you see how it might feel for me?

If even just a little..?

Because I will never forget who you were when I met you, it was only because of everything you were, everything you showed me that I ever gave myself permission to love you.

I am always fascinated with how you're able to wake up each day and move and breathe and function seamlessly; as if there isn't someone standing in front of you pouring their heart into you, shining so bright the world can see, but you close your eyes. Why do you turn away? Why do you waste their heart?

Why do you keep wasting me?