The Lafferty Brothers

The Lafferty Brothers

The Lafferty Brothers were not really brothers and truly looked nothing alike,

but the folks, you see, of nineteen-nineteen weren’t friendly towards Edgar and Ike.

They liked Edgar fine and with Ike they’d no qualms, but their union was somehow bizarre.

And so for the others, they said they were brothers, and then no one stared from afar.

But one massive secret wasn’t enough for such a mysterious pair--

they also were trained in the sensitive arts of bending the magic in air.

They met in a duel for a cottage in Salem in which a coven once dwelled,

and although neither cast a curse, they still fell under a spell.

They passed the years blending in and making that cottage their home,

but after a time, though they were two, together they still felt alone.

They wanted a child from both of their blood but Ike said, “It cannot be done.”

“Unless, of course,” Edgar replied, “we turned to our arts for a son.”

“Our arts are based on nature’s laws, this isn’t a skill we can seize.”

“We’re warlocks, damnit, good ones at that! We can make whatever we please.”

So Edgar lost himself in books and scrolls and ancient runes.

He studied maps of tracts of land and charts of Saturn’s moons.

Ike knew Edgar better than to argue with his state,

so he simply bit his tongue and stayed in patient wait.

Three days later Ed emerged, eyes bloodshot and wild,

“Darling Ike, I found a way for us to make a child!

A creature does exist, in fact there’s one outside of Rome-”

“What kind of creature?” “I don’t know, I think a sort of gnome?

And if it samples both our blood and we bring it home,

in just two weeks, we’ll have a baby of our very own.”

“And just how tricky,” prodded Ike, “is this gnome to get?”

“It’s in the cellar of a church, I promise it’s no threat.”

“So what’s the catch?” “No catch!” “Edgar.” “A witch keeps it for a pet.”

“Oh my gods-” “Isaac, look: our task won’t go awry.

If we want this most of all, my dear, we have to try.”

And so they pressed their matching suits and prepped their brooms to fly,

and with a kiss and with a charm, they took off to the sky.

The Lafferty Brothers, undercover, took eight days to search.

They scoured every town and tower looking for the church.

On the eve of their ninth day, the warlocks fin’lly found

Immacolata Concezione, half-crumbled to the ground.

The sun a crown as they touched down, then o’er the hills demised,

and then the moon, beyond the ruins, was swiftly on the rise.

From their pockets they pulled out their wands of yarrow sprig

and broke through entry charms with such a coordinated swing

that all the crows in nearby trees took suddenly to wing.

The men then circled round the church, looking for a door

or maybe secret entranceways hidden in the floor.

Finding none, they crept inside, ready for a fight.

Their wands pinched tight, stepping light, like shadows through the night,

they passed by every vacant pew, with no threat yet in sight.

They reached the altar at the front completely undisturbed,

but no sign of a cellar door, which made the men perturbed.

“Stand behind me,” Ike then whispered, picking up some dust.

He focused hard on what they sought and blew a steady gust.

The particles flew across the room and set upon

a freshly polished statue of St. John in stone and bronze.

Edgar hustled to the figure, shoved against its spine,

“Help me push this saint aside, the steps must be behind.”

“Edgar, dear, you’re very strong, but spells will do just fine.”

They concentrated through their wands, bending bits of air,

and moving them moved the statue (soundless with Ike’s care),

revealing, in the old saint’s place, an ancient set of stairs,

and at the bottom, flickering, a steady fire’s glare.

Edgar pecked Ike’s cheek and then descended down the steps.

Although before he touched the floor--a yellow spark: a hex!

It hit him in the solar plexus, sent him flying back.

“Ed!” Ike screamed, dodged a curse, and countered the attack.

Ike stayed crouched and waited for a sound from their assailant.

Silence was held--until they heard a gentle snoring fail it.

Ike performed a counter-hex on Ed and helped him up,

then both walked on and looked upon the knocked-out threat close-up.

“That’s not the witch,” Ike surmised, “she’s only keeping guard.”

“She must be her apprentice then.” “Oh gods--the poor thing’s scarred.”

Alongside faded lines were also new cuts ‘cross her face.

“She’s not but ten, this girl deserves much better than this place.”

“It’s not for us to break the bond of a witch and her apprentice.

Your spell worked great, don’t hesitate, let’s take this chance gods sent us.”

Behind the sleeping girl there stood a bed, a bench, a broom,

a stove, a stack of magic books: a sparse and musty room.

But then a shriek! And in a cage, they saw the creature there.

It bared its teeth and bristled up its long grey streak of hair.

Edgar hummed a soothing tune he learned when he was young

(his parents kept some gorgon bees; they sang to not get stung).

Soon the creature sat back down, and Edgar charmed the latch.

He reached into the cage and, although it bit and scratched,

Edgar hummed nonetheless and tension left its back,

and so the warlock could then put the small gnome in a sack.

They took off up the staircase, moved the statue back in place,

and crossed the silent church’s floor at a hasty pace:

“My love, it’s done, our dream is won, I said all would go well!”

“So far, yes, but let’s get home.” “Your fears you can dispel.”

But as they stepped out on the lawn and headed to their brooms,

the ground beneath them shook with such a horrid rumbling boom

that it knocked both warlocks down. “PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!”

The chapel’s doors burst wide open; flying through the night

was the furious Italian witch, her pupils burning white.

“GIVE ME BACK MY PET, OR ELSE I’LL WRECK YOU FOR THIS SLIGHT!”

From his wand, Ike shot out a crimson pinprick zap,

but the witch extinguished it with an expert snap.

Edgar tried his hand as well, but she was much too quick:

she quelled his charm and broke his arm with just a tiny flick.

Edgar yelled out in his pain but kept his wits about,

and knelt down to his traveling sack and pulled the creature out.

He pinned the gnome and aimed his wand, but when he looked up, gasped,

for just as fast, the witch had Ike firmly in her grasp.

They caught their breath and Edgar worked out options in his head,

but could not find a way to make sure neither left there dead.

And so he lowered down his wand and set their treasure free

and holding true to witch’s code, she dropped Ike to his knee.

“Ragazzi folli,” she spat at them and took the creature in.

“If I see you here again, I’ll peel off all your skin.”

The Lafferty Brothers dressed their wounds and aimed their brooms at sea,

but before they pushed off, heard a “Wait! Please bring me!”

They turned and saw the witch’s girl running into view.

“I’m so sorry,” Edgar said, “these brooms can just hold two.”

“That’s no issue,” countered she, “I made a broom from yew.

You’ve no idea the hell I’ve lived since I made my pact.

She said that she would train me fair, but since took all that back.

I’m less of her apprentice--moreso a witch’s slave.

I guard her creature while she hunts for mushrooms in a cave,

and since she ‘caught me dozing off’ I might just meet my grave.

And so I think you owe me, for I ‘dozed off’ from your wave.”

“Edgar, love, don’t you see! Your research all proved true.

We found our child in the church, it’s clear what we must do.”

“She’s not a child of our blood.” “No, my dear, you’re wrong.

Her blood is magic, just like ours, what’s more than that, she’s strong.

I do not care about the vow she’ll break to come along.”

Edgar thought and nodded slowly, “Now I see it clear.

You’re right as always, darling Ike.” “My favorite words to hear.”

“Nature might have thwarted us, but we’ll be fathers still.”

“Thank you,” cried their daughter, “for your kindness and good will!”

And so three witches rode their brooms eastward toward the dawn

before the evil witch could notice that her girl was gone.

They landed at the cottage and they rested from their flight,

and signed a new apprentice pact in ink as black as night.

The Lafferty Brothers thus discovered a love they had not known,

for while they had not made her, she was still their very own.

They cared for her and taught her spells til she was fully grown,

and so their cottage thus became a coven and a home.