The Judge's Song

When I, good friends, was called to the Bar,

I'd an appetite fresh and hearty,

But I was, as many young barristers are,

An impecunious party.

I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue

A brief which I bought of a booby

A couple of shirts and a collar or two,

And a ring that looked like a ruby!

In Westminster Hall I danced a dance,

Like a semi-despondent fury;

For I thought I should never hit on a chance

Of addressing a British Jury

But I soon got tired of third class journeys,

And dinners of bread and water;

So I fell in love with a rich attorney's

Elderly, ugly daughter.

The rich attorney, he wiped his eyes,

And replied to my fond professions:

"You shall reap the reward of your enterprise,

At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions.

You'll soon get used to her looks," said he,

"And a very nice girl you'll find her

She may very well pass for forty-three

In the dusk, with a light behind her!"

The rich attorney was as good as his word:

The briefs came trooping gaily,

And every day my voice was heard

At the Sessions or Ancient Bailey.

All thieves who could my fees afford

Relied on my orations,

And many a burglar I've restored

To his friends and his relations.

At length I became as rich as the Gurneys

An incubus then I thought her,

So I threw over that rich attorney's

Elderly, ugly daughter.

The rich attorney my character high

Tried vainly to disparage

And now, if you please, I'm ready to try

This Breach of Promise of Marriage!