The Demon in the Host

There's a part inside of you that wants to come out and be the very best, but it just can't.

It's when you cry out to be the very best version of yourself but the parts of you that are damaged cling to your want of being a different person and weigh it down.

It's when you want to establish a healthy friendship with people you love and want to keep around for a long time, but you can't because you assume the very worst at every possible moment and separate yourself instead of fighting for what you want.

It's destroying the relationship you have with your father because you don't understand his love language.

It's settling for lovers that don't satisfy you and only keep around for a power trip instead of falling in true love because no one can know you're vulnerable.

It's creating a fake persona for years in order to appeal to the masses and continue this story line even when you feel like you no longer need to because you don't know who you are outside of the person you've recited for the majority of your life and have convinced yourself enough that you are, even when you're up for days on end crying because you want to kill this part of yourself so bad but you can't let go because it's the only person you've known yourself to be long enough without fail because it's fake.

It's when you isolate yourself because your friends can't know why they hurt you because that would shatter the illusion that you're untouchable.

It's when you start to lie about what's wrong because you've realized that your illusion is shattered and you have to do everything in your power to restore the balance of what makes you feel safe.

It's when you think you're getting better because you can wake up without feeling like there's a grand piano on your chest but one small step or one small thought can send you spiraling back into an unholy darkness that consumes you.

It's when you starve yourself for six days and don't have the strength to go down the stairs before it gets worse and your best friend finds you passed out in your room.

It's when you isolate yourself from every single thing that could possibly save you but you choose to let the demon win every time.

The demon eats away at every single piece of rehabilitation you put together. The demon wants to make sure you stay. The demon wants you to know that it's comfortable where you're at and no one can hurt you when it's around.

You think to yourself, "I'm getting hurt anyway." The demon wants you know that this hurt is familiar. You work through this hurt all the time and you survive this hurt everyday. Once you begin to walk away from the demon, you expose yourself to new hurt, and we don't want that now, do we?

The demon lives inside you. Your body is it's host. You have the power to both kill it and feed it. When you succumb to your self-sabotaging habits, you feed this demon and it grows. It thrives off of knowing it has this hold on you.

This hold is suffocating, it's a small room with no windows. Its a hold that can drive even the sanest person to do horrid things. Its a hold that most don't survive. Its a hold that grows legs and consumes your every waking moment. This hold is draining. This hold will break even the strongest of souls.

It wants you to think you can't escape and for right now, the majority of us can't. This story has no happy ending. It is just an ongoing battle, you vs. the demon.

You vs. Yourself