The Conqueror at the Gate

I once wanted to obliterate you,

to raze you to the ground as so many conquerors are wont to do.

I wanted to clear that looming shadow,

those wooden ramparts and devious murder holes.

I wanted to raise the siege ladders

and lay into your foundations with my own hands. 

But I’ve mistaken your presence for an obstacle I must overcome;

an enemy I must subdue,

for every time I tore down a new defense

my own flesh would pay the price.

Now, I’m trying to separate this battle-worn body

from this strategy-tested mind;

these canon-blasted walls from the city of dreams inside.

I must learn to maintain, rather than destroy.

I must discover how to interpret your shadow as a blessing,

rather than a curse.

I will allow your protection:

sturdy ramparts keen to burn,

brick walls prepped to crumble,

a gate ripe for the battering ram.

All these things I shall tolerate within the kingdom,

if only to stop the bloodshed and the rampaging fear,

for even conquerors tire of war.

Author's Note:

I'm three weeks deep into my therapy sessions trying to learn how to manage my anxiety, and something surprising that I've come across is the concept of...accepting the anxiety as a good thing.

I know, it's nonsense. But scientifically, it has merit. Anxiety is nothing more than a surge of adrenaline, the "fight or flight mode", which is extremely useful in dangerous situations. It's how some miracles - like someone lifting a car to save someone crushed underneath - can occur.

Anxiety these days though is not as needed as it once was when we weren't at the top of the food chain. Running from predators on a daily basis just isn't what most people deal with. So when this anxious response comes over us out of nowhere, it feels like something horrible.

I know for me, this concept of spinning your anxiety into a positive force is going to take a long time as I've always fought or suppressed my anxiety. I fear it, really.

So, this was my re-interpretation of my anxiety, an idea graciously given to me by my therapist. Hopefully it reaches others out there struggling so they can also consider this new approach.

If you could interpret your own anxiety, what would it look like? What metaphors and symbols would you use to describe it?

If you're curious how I've written about my anxiety in the past, feel free to read these pieces below. I'm always looking for new ways to kill the stigma of mental health through creative writing!