The Colours of Sunrise

I chase sunrises

Is that odd

I don’t just see them

The breath taking chaos of colours

I chase them

Because I know you are there

It’s like you are challenging me to get there on time

Sharing the first morning light

Our first chat of the day

Seems so normal

That it is where we meet

To talk

Where I feel your tender love

Where somehow, I know you will be with me another day

Even though you hated early mornings…..

You loved the colours of sunrise

But let’s be honest

It is not really just sunrise…that’s just our thing

It is all the places, the moments, the colours

Which make me think of you

Which remind me my heart can still sing

Even if for just that moment

A margarita pizza

Plain spaghetti with butter and salt

Malt-o-milk and ice cold milk

Cream eggs….remember London…you were so naughty

Pumpkin pasta that only Rohan’s grandmother can make

Even though you hate pumpkin

When I lie quietly in bed and feel your hand in mine

Just like that time we walked from the ATM

When you rearranged my fingers in yours…just so

Each moment, a sliver of that sunrise

Remember the first time we discovered chocolate dipped strawberries at Harrods

I always buy them now

And Supreme and Fools Judge

When I am sick and am reminded of your obsessive directions about which tablets to take when I was unwell in Tokyo

In fact anything to do with Tokyo….

That restaurant near the Shibuya crossing, where we kept going back,

Down the stairs

Because you loved it so much

The boy who never had time to eat

Origami

Cherry blossoms

The bullet train

Forever always you

Forever the colours of sunrise

Boys on skateboards

Amazing snowboarders

That was you my Jesse

Just amazing

It was like the board was an extension of your legs

Everything just happened

And when you came home that afternoon in France

With the avalanche backpack!

And I pretended not to be worried….

And then you came back early one afternoon

And didn’t want to tell me you had had a fall

But you had hurt your back

My ski jacket, as I watched you walk up to the runs in Kitzbuhel wearing it

On you it looks so cool

On me it’s just an old, worn, bright orange ski jacket

Odd, in hindsight…the orange of sunrise

Dogs, any dogs

Any animals

Did you really go to the bulls?

Walking in Vienna…was it Vienna…..or Tokyo?

When you really wanted a gold chain

So I gave you mine, with the gold cross

And you wore it always

And now Jack wears it

Scooters…dare I go there

That morning in Jalan Pantai Kuta

When we accidentally met up

And you seemed really happy to see me

And I reminded you to do up your helmet strap

Please always do up your strap

I’m so sorry about so many things

But I know you want me to not be sad

So that is what I will keep focusing on

And keep chasing sunrises

So we can plan our day and talk things over

And I can tell you again

How much I love you

My sweet Jesse

Maybe it’s not the colours of sunrise at all

But you my beautiful Jesse

Is it you I am chasing after all?