The Colors of Me

The Colors of Me

A pink newborn, I absorbed the fall colors if the leaves outside our window and dark blue of the great lakes which surrounded us in the 20 minutes she was allowed to hold me.

I got a drop of rainy day gray, when my mother handed me to the nuns in navy blue habits.

In three weeks I was to be infused with the warm yellow of the October sun, as the Sisters of Mercy handed me to my new mother and father.

That sunshine would warm me in every dark season of my life. Love is a color that one cannot assign words.

Soon came more sunshine running like watercolor with a streak of baby blue, with a brother to love. I still do.

A change in scenery embedded scrub cedar greens and juniper berry blues, sand and dust color browns and magical blends of the sunsets from the soul of the Arizona desert.

Browns of the road runners and quail, grey blues of scrub jays, messy black of the javelina. Puffy streaks of white across cornflower blue skies. Auburn cows and painted ponies and colorful feathers of native dances and the turquoise on ears and fingers.

Children brought rainbows of crayons, and again I was filled with color that has no name. Love.

Years of their colors against a bleak gray- black canvas of beatings, the black and blue and red of my blood blurs in my hurry to escape.

Time brought reds and blacks of mental illness thrown upon our new clean canvas. Cuttings, screams and tears, darkness, fear and, rage all dripped and ran as I tried to not see.

My fear a dark purple stained with her mishmosh of pain...t

I fought it with fists of hope, I don't remember the color of worry. But it became my only wardrobe.

I do remember the color of heroin, coursing through her veins; from finding the needle on the floor.

I remember the color of greens, yellows reds of ventilators and monitors. Like a stop light they determine whether she would stop or go. Warning me to proceed with caution.

Then, rainbows, sunrises and hot pink lipstick smiles that came with her sobriety.

The explosion of color as she brought a life into the world. Again the nameless ...love

Six fast months later, my whole world went to black and white. The color drained, as did her life when a bright red clot got stuck in her magical, musical, colorful creative brain.

Now, only the various shades of grays, fake smiles and "yes, I'm doing ok thank you". It should be oscar statue gold for my performance.

The only color now is from her child, and the brilliant reds of the cardinals that visit, and the blues, yellows,oranges of the swallowtails and monarchs she sends.

Kat Charlesworth

Corrected  version

Previously submitted by Mistake