The Cliff

On the Cliff

~

I feel so broken

So silenced

Choked of the words

That I need to spill out of my heart

My mind feels chaotic

I feel like I’m standing on the edge

Looking for the reason to jump

Or to breathe and take a step back

I’m so activated

I don’t know where to turn

When my burden feels too tough to carry

Ashes smear my face

The past has been set afire

But the pain remains

I’m not going to break

But damn am I so close again

I need peace

I need healing I may never receive

I want to jump

I’ve dragged these fears through the dirt

Carried them on my shoulder

When dragging them wasn’t enough

What if I jump

Would it matter

Would anyone care

Falling to my knees,

My hands grip the edge of the cliff

Am I trying to pull myself up

Or over the edge

The burden…the cry for help

The need to gain air

When all I feel are hands around my throat

All I’ve done is run circles

Around my mind

The thoughts circling the drain

Too thick to slide down the drain

I’m struggling to breathe through the cries

There’s no one coming to save me

There’s no hand leant to grip

Just the endless nothingness over the edge

Would it hurt

Would anyone miss me

Pain spreads across my chest

As if my life force is pouring out in pain

My hand clutches my chest

But relief seems to not exist

I’ve regretted life

Loving him was such a lie

Why does it matter

He’s gone now

Pain clutches as another cry escapes

I’ve given my heart too many times

I’ve been so blind for so long

Will this time be a lie

Am I too invested in saving him

When I should be saving myself

Dirt pinches under my nails

As I grip the edge a little harder

I keep asking why

Why was I the one hurt

Why wasn’t I the one loved

I feel so used

So empty sometimes

Like I don’t know who to be

Like looking into my eyes reveals the darkness within

I never thought I could hold back the pain

I never thought I’d be strong enough to live

The darkness calls my name

Offers mercy where I’ve only known pain

What will remain if I inch forward

What will survive

Flesh and blood when the dust settles

No more mercy, no more pain

Carousel of emotions

Playing Russian roulette with my brain

I think about the gun

About the bullet ending my pain

About being so selfish for once

About finding release

What would I truly lose

Nothing feels real

Just my body at the edge of this cliff

Not the memories that can leave me alone

Not the voiceless dreams

Nothing helps

I’m sorry

When I sink this low

Where no one sees the pain or the tears

Where no one hears my pleas for help

I hate how I feel

When I’m that one that shuts everyone out