THE CHRISTMAS BLOOMERS

THE CHRISTMAS BLOOMERS

I ordered some bloomers from the Ladies Catalogue,
They came but they wasn’t my size,
Oh what a shock when I opened the pack,
I couldn’t believe my eyes.

My modesty they tried to attack,
These were humongous, the size of a tent,
I didn’t order them that bloody big,
Just look what they went and sent.

Then somebody knocked on my little front door,
With Christmas presents in their arms,
Oh my God don’t let them see these bloomers,
I thought, sounding all the alarms.

Where can I hide them, where can they go,
Up the chimney, nobody will know,
So I rushed to the fireplace and shoved them up high,
Bloomers that big nearly touching the sky.

Then somebody knocked on the door once again,
So I opened it wondering who,
And Father Christmas was stood there,
In the pouring rain saying, Ho Ho Ho to you.

I’ve got some presents here for you,
But I’ve got a little problem you see,
I tried getting down your chimney,
But it’s a bit too small for me.

I’ve eaten too many Christmas mince pies,
He said rubbing the size of his belly,
I’ve had chocolates and puddings and biscuits as well,
And far too much Christmas jelly.

But wait a minute, I’m ready for me tea,
My belly feels quite hollow inside,
Maybe I can get back up your chimney,
It does look ever so wide.

Before I could say anything about the bloomers,
He was climbing back up the chimney so high,
His legs vanished, then his trousers disappeared,
And I thought, oh God, he’s going to the sky!

Then suddenly I heard the whole street laughing,
People were crying with tears,
And Father Christmas’s head popped out of the chimney,
With bloomers right over his ears!

There he was stuck on top of my roof,
In a big pair of frilly white bloomers,
The street had never seen anything like it,
And soon there was all sorts of rumours.

Whose are them, somebody shouted below,
There’s nobody around here with a bum that wide,
Maybe they’re Father Christmas’s bloomers,
And he wears them when he’s out for a ride.

Rudolph nearly fell straight off the roof,
He was laughing that much at the sight,
Then started banging his hoof on the slates,
Trying to get Father Christmas out right.

Bang bang bang went Rudolph’s hoof,
Till the bloomers eventually came free,
Down they floated from off the roof,
And landed for everybody to see.

Whose are them, they all shouted again,
There’s no div that big around,
Those bloomers could cover half of the street,
As they lay there spread on the ground.

Maybe they’re Father Christmas’s, someone said,
Maybe his trousers got cut too short,
Mm I don’t know about that, I said,
But it certainly give everybody a thought.

Eventually Father Christmas got hisself free,
And climbed into Rudolph’s cart,
Then whoosh he went off into the night,
He couldn’t get away quick enough to start.

He shot through the sky like a teapot,
Pouring tea straight out of its spout,
And I stood there watching him disappear,
Thinking thank God he’s finally got out.

I never seen him again till the following year,
And he never mentioned a thing,
He came with his sack and give me me presents,
With all the Christmas things he could bring.

I never stirred anything about the bloomers,
I thought that would be too rude,
So I give him his drink and his mince pie,
And put out his Christmas food.

But then he looked at me and give me a wink,
With a funny little gleam in his eye,
Oh my God I thought, he knows the truth,
And I nearly wanted to die.

Then Rudolph tapped three times with his hoof,
And looked at me and nodded his head,
I think we better forget all about it,
Before it comes back in Father Christmas’s head.

So we never mentioned anything at all,
Not one little word was said,
He give me me presents and looked around,
Then something caught his eye instead.

Because there on the couch for everyone to see,
Was a brand-new pack of bloomers of mine,
But these ones were little, these ones would fit,
These ones were actually the right size.

Father Christmas looked at the little new pack,
Then looked at me with a smile,
He knew them bloomers wasn’t mine,
He must have known all the while.

I looked at him and he looked at me,
And neither of us said a thing,
Some Christmas secrets are better kept quiet,
Especially when bloomers are involved in them.

Because even me, I’ve not got a bum that big,
And definitely not that wide,
You could have fitted Father Christmas and Rudolph in them,
With half of his presents inside.

So if you order your bloomers this Christmas,
Check the size before Santa comes through,
Or he might come out of your chimney next morning,
Wearing a pair that’s ten sizes too big for you.