The break apart

It hurts. Sitting in a bed wondering why? What is wrong with me? I think I am a good wife but his actions say otherwise.

He cheated on me 5 days prior by texting another woman and asking for nudes. He even agreed to meet with her. I found out and he promised he’d never do it again and that he loved me. 5 days later he’s at his co workers house having sex with her.

He admitted that if I didn’t find out on my own, he would have never told me. Our daughter is three months old so imagine how I’m feeling. My body isn’t the same, my mind set isn’t as young and free as it used to be. He said he only loves me because I’m the mother of his children. He hated my young mind set but says he doesn’t love me anymore because I’m not that same girl he met.

Flashback to our first month dating. He already cheated on me multiple times, but I stuck around because I thought he could change. Many months go by and many affairs are brought to the surface. I had a miscarriage and apparently the blood clots from our dying baby were nasty. He cheated on me during and after my miscarriage. He cheated on me when I got pregnant with our son and here we are again. Three months after having our daughter, he’s cheating again.

I left him because of the cheating. The night I left him, he had sex with another woman. I came back to him because I love him. He had sex with me the next night and didn’t tell me he cheated. I found out because he forgot to delete the nude she sent along with her address. Not to mention he took an entire pack of condoms with him.

I sit at home all day and care for our kids and him. I get nothing in return except heartbroken. When I found out the truth, I called the woman he had sex with. Her husband cheated on her with another woman and she’s going through a divorce. She knew exactly what I was feeling and didn’t care. They both didn’t care and I’m stuck to deal with the emotions alone. The pain is so extreme. It feels like a fire inside my chest that can’t be put out.

When he wants to be intimate, I can’t stop thinking about her. Is she better than me in bed? Can she do more for him? Would he rather be with her?These thoughts won’t leave and my depression is worsening.

I’m a shell of who I used to be. I feel disgusting and ugly because he made me that way. Now he doesn’t love me anymore even though the person I am today is his fault. The sadness, anger, and depression are all caused by him.

He hates the thing he created but I should forgive him and love him anyway because he said “sorry”. Sorry just doesn’t cut it anymore after 5 years of feeling my heart being ripped out of my chest with every new woman. Every woman I have to compare myself to so that I can figure out how to make my husband love me again. What do they have that I don’t?

I’ve loved him for 5 years and now I feel my emotions pulling away. I have to guard myself from the man I’m supposed to love and trust. The real question is, is this fixable or should I walk away?

Love is like a drug. A very dangerous addiction. Every time he cheated, I said I’d leave. I never did. It’s not because I want to be treated this way. I love him too much to leave and now, I’m slipping away from him.

He said he would change. It’s honestly really sad because when he finally decides to change and love me, I fear my heart and I will be gone.

I’ll stay here and care for our children in these same walls I never leave and hope he can change. His chances are done and I’m done being heartbroken. I will change for my children and myself. If he can’t love me the way I deserve, then I’ll love me and I’ll do it properly.